“Sounds fun. And complicated,” I said. “I love fun, but I hate complicated more than I like fun.”

“Oh, I get it. You’re one of those guys who doesn’t cheat, so you sit and judge those who do. Maybe his marriage sucks. (It does. I know his wife.) Besides…most guys cheat. Maybe you’re the weird one.”

This is a real conversation that occurred a few months ago in a distant hotel bar at about 1am. Jim (fake name) is a real person, and the guy I was talking to had known me for all of about two hours.  Indeed, for some odd reason, I’ve been in this sort of conversation many times – more and more over the last five years or so – and often with people I don’t know well. My response is first and foremost that I pass no judgements on anyone. I know my situation and what works for me. I don’t venture further. (Without all the facts, he who seeks to judge mistakes arrogance for wisdom.) But, depending upon my level of sobriety, I will occasionally mildly antagonize my interlocutor.

I will lay out my approach to morality, implying that it is less about right versus wrong than about smart versus stupid.

“Oh, so you’re saying Jim is stupid? How’s that not passing judgement?”

“I’m not saying Jim is stupid. I’m saying that for me to do what Jim is doing would be stupid. Therefore, I don’t do it. I don’t care what Jim does. And, if I’m being honest, I like a good sordid story as much as anyone. Give me a room full of Jims any day over a room full of prudes or finger waggers.”

We laugh, do a shot, and the night drifts toward last call. But while I was toying with this guy, I was actually being perfectly truthful about my approach to inner circle ethics. I once heard that the definition of being stupid is doing things that hurt others and yourself. For me to operate like our friend Jim would be stupid. I would be the one to take it on the chin eventually.

But that’s a bit smug, isn’t it? I hate it when someone claims ease of abstinence on account of intellect. It’s usually bullshit. Fact is, most guys have multiple things from which they should abstain. If one claims immunity from one, he is likely to be under the boot of another.  Is it even possible to abstain from everything that is both bad for you and bad for others? Would you ever really want to? That screams S – Q – U – A – R – E to me. I say there’s a better answer, and it turns on how you define the question.

What does it mean for something to be bad? There’s physically bad, as in getting hooked on heroin or binging on chocolate and processed food. There’s emotionally bad, as in engaging too heavily in isolating behaviors or doing absolutely anything to avoid stillness. And there’s intellectually bad, as in soaking the brain in shitty TV and mindless video games. But these are just things that are bad for us as individuals. What about things that are bad for others?

Of course, the heroin addiction is bad for those around us. But most of the aforementioned things are only really bad for others in so far as those who love us wouldn’t want bad things to entrap us. No one wants their loved ones to be drug addicted, fat, or stupid. There are, nevertheless, some things that are emotionally bad for others. We could list them, but they predominantly revolve around betrayal.

Family relationships, starting with partner relationships, are our deepest relationships (or should be). They are founded upon trust, which is the notion that the other person is who he says he is. He does what he says he’ll do (and not what he says he won’t.) When that trust breaks down – via some sort of betrayal – the logistical partnership that underpins the structure is compromised. The emotional diversion gums up the works, and, if left unchecked, the benefits of being a family or even just team of two give way to the persistent regret of having chosen unwisely. Then, the relationships either unravel or trod along in indefinite misery.

That’s the nuclear option. The avoidance of betrayal, however, doesn’t have to be tantamount to living the life of a monk. Perhaps it is just a matter of being clear and honest about what you will and will not do. Am I who I say I am? If I say the rights things, then yes. Always.

Be what they expect. A simple idea that is incredibly hard to put into practice.

By “they”, I mean the people with opinions of us that matter – our inner circle, most certainly. Being what they expect implies something enormously difficult. It requires us to make an effort to install in those minds an impression of us that strikingly resembles who we truly are.

This is hard because it first requires that we know ourselves, and let’s face it – that ain’t easy.

And from there, we have to be highly skilled at knowing how our words and deeds are being interpreted and internalized to know if we’re succeeding at properly setting expectations.  An example is something I alluded to a bit earlier.

Recall that sometimes we’re hurting others because we’re doing things to ourselves that make them upset. Setting expectations correctly means that we address these kinds of concerns, too. After all, doing something in moderation may not be bad for us, while excess may be very harmful. So we have to be clear about the limits of our activities. “Do it only as much as they expect” is a corollary. This applies to booze, drugs, gambling, etc. If we state up front that we will do these things, but that we won’t do them too much, then we don’t risk seeing that dreaded look of “I just realized you’ve been lying to me.” (Unless, of course, we are doing them too much. Then, betraying our loved ones may be only one of our large problems.)

And then, perhaps the hardest of all, we must be courageous enough to say who we are and risk losing members of our inner circle. We all know of situations in which a homosexual comes out to anti-homosexual family members. No matter what team you play for, that takes balls. And you can be sure that coming clean with people who think you’re a saint will be among the hardest things you’ve ever done. You just have to decide if it’s worth it. If you have kids, maybe it isn’t. (See caveat below.)

“Be what they expect” is what we can call a personal best practice. It’s something we strive for, knowing that we will be beset on all sides by hurdles and roadblocks, by extenuating circumstances, and by our own inertia. Nevertheless, it is my contention that striving for this seemingly simple ethic has tremendous value and power. Here are just a few of the benefits…

*  More freedom. If we’re open about who we are what we do, then we don’t have to limit ourselves (at least not as much) to keep others happy.

*  Honesty is easier and feels better in the long run. Looking over your shoulder sucks, and it sucks proportionally worse the more you have to lose if you get caught.

*  People who are honest when they shouldn’t be are always cool. People who say exactly what everyone wants to hear are BORING. And they usually come off as full of shit. Being honest sets you apart. That’s a good thing.

*  When you find someone who either accepts who you are or helps you change into who you want to be, you hit the lottery. It’s the old thing your mother told you, “if they don’t like you for who you are, they’re not your friends anyway.” And when they do like for who you are, they’re the best friends/relatives/partners you can have.

Like I said, this is incredibly hard to put into practice.  But it’s worth it. Here are a couple of things to think about to get started…

*  For little things, just make a point to go through a whole day telling no white lies. So if she asks if the dress makes her look fat, avoid the question (“You know my opinion doesn’t matter. I’m a hairless gorilla, remember?”), spin your answer (“It’s not my favorite. What about the black one?), or let her have it (“Yes. Sorry.). The point is to practice – and let people know what you’re doing. I’ve done this with people, even people I’ve just met. I’ll just say it’s my policy to try never to lie, so either I’ll hit them with the brutal truth or I won’t answer. You’ll be shocked at how receptive people are to this, even if they don’t like the truth. You can actually shrug when they crinkle their nose at hearing something they didn’t want to hear and say, “See?” You’re training them not to venture down the wrong alleys with you.

*  For big things – as in long established beliefs others may have about you – be strategic. Figure out what they expect, so you can systematically unravel it and replace it with reality. Then pick little bits and pieces and slowly change them. “Grandma, would you be terribly upset if I didn’t like corn muffins anymore? I know they’ve always been my favorite and you’ve enjoyed making them for me for all these years, but I guess my tastes have changed.” That’s an easy one. But what about your gambling? Next week…”Grandma, you ever watch any of these Texas Hold-Em shows on TV? I have really come to love that game. You should watch them. Very exciting.” Then the next week, “Hey Grandma, remember how I said I love Texas Hold-Em? Well, they have these tournaments you can play in to potentially win lots of money. I tried one last week. What fun it was.”  Then the week after that, “Grandma, I thought the people who played in poker tournaments were gambling addicts who would bet their kids college fund to stay at the table. But it turns out most are casual players who spend less on poker than most golfers spend on golf.”  And eventually she knows you’re a gambler and that it’s not a big deal. Now you can be what she expects.

One last thing to cover – what about the things you do or want to do that no one would ever condone? Then you may need to decide if doing those things is actually just stupid. Could be.

(A caveat for parents. This post was written specifically for Neil’s audience because the percentage of parents in the crowd is relatively small. To abruptly decide to “be what they expect” when there are kids involved and not being what they expect has been the norm for a long time is to put children at emotional risk. If you choose this approach to inner circle ethics, you need to calculate kid feelings into every decision. To do otherwise will be selfish – harming yourself and others – and thus, stupid.)

We contacted the author and he graciously agreed to let us repost it here–for you. He even went so far as to create a special video for the Inner Circle. It highlights some of the key points to getting into parties you may not have been invited to. I’m sure the invitation just got lost in the mail…

It makes me think of a great line from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Channeling Sean Connery, Ace utters the words, “Lovely party. Pity I wasn’t invited.”

So put on your Tux and get ready to rub elbows with the rich and famous. Here’s Neville to tell you how…

How to Crash a Party

There was a point in college where I was making money running small businesses on the side, but I wasn’t rolling in piles of money either (plus I was extraordinarily cheap back then too).

At the same time, I’d also find out about all these fancy parties that rich people went to. Well….I wanted to be a rich person one day, so I figured going to these parties and being AROUND other rich people would help.

The problem was these parties were always fundraisers for whatever charity….and that meant you had to buy a ticket that would go to charity. Often times this was $300 or even $1,000+ for ONE ticket!

As a cheap college student, that kind of money made my eyes pop out. There was no way in hell I’d pay that.

In particular, one mentor of mine at the time was the one who knew about all these parties, and had friends that attended them too.

I’d hear all about these parties, and the cool people he’d get to mingle with in casual situations, and I was very envious and wanted to go.

You see…..I would go to all sorts of speeches made by rich & famous people all the time in college…..but since these were public speeches, there were always TONS of other people vying for their attention at the same time. At most you’d get to have a Q&A session with someone, but not much more.

Being able to casually chat with a rich or famous person was WAY more appealing to me. So these parties became a thing of intrigue.

Eventually the same mentor who told me about all these parties tipped me off about a very exclusive private party at the Four Seasons Hotel in Austin….with entertainment by the singer Elton John.

I wasn’t really an Elton John fan at the time…..but I was told A LOT of very wealthy people would be there. I believe the crowd was limited to about 200 people that night….so this was a very exclusive guest list.

Out of the blue, this mentor called me up around 6pm and said, “Wear a tuxedo and get your ass to the Four Seasons right now!!” He would try to see if he could sneak me in.

Even if I was willing to pay the high price of admission….it wouldn’t matter. This was a strictly invite-only affair and there were no tickets simply for sale.

I immediately dropped everything I was doing and started changing into my tux…..oh wait…Non-existent tuxedo!

This was early college, and I still didn’t own any really nice clothes.

I put on a plain black dress shirt and a pair of khaki pants. Both of which were large and baggy on me….and headed over.

The first indication that I didn’t belong at the event was when everyone in their Mercedes and Porsches were being directed to the valet parking area….and I balked at the $7 price and immediately KNEW I wasn’t gonna pay $7 to park!

I self-parked and walked into the hotel nervous as hell.

“What if they kick me out?”

“What if they know I’m not invited?”

“What if they ask me for a ticket?”

…..these thoughts ran through my head. But then I remembered the advice of my mentor…he told me, “Just walk in like you OWN the place, and they won’t say a thing.”

This comforted me a bit….until I got in the hotel, and it was a bunch of tall, older white men with impeccable tuxedos, and a bunch of white women with very expensive gowns and dresses on.

I gulped a bit….because in walks this small Indian kid dressed in un-ironed baggy khakis a plain black shirt.

I looked like the help!

In fact, “the help” was dressed better than I was!!

For a second the striking difference between me and the rest of the crowd made me nervous……but alas I kind of pulled through and said, “FUCK IT. What’s the absolute worst thing that could happen here?? This is just a private party….I’m not breaking into a bank or federal building right? At the ABSOLUTE MOST they’ll ask me to leave.”

I stuck my head up in the air like I was King-Fucking-Charles and charged past the checkin line where everyone was getting their tickets checked and getting their seat numbers.

I pretended I was in a hurry, not worrying about gently shoving people out of the way.

I could see the security guards eyeing me down….but my hurriedness and sheer balls of pushing my way through the crowd made it APPEAR that I belonged!

It worked! No one said a thing!

I realized the security guards were likely getting paid $10 an hour….and if this stupid little kid was someone’s son, or part of Elton John’s crew…or whatever…..they weren’t going to risk physically stopping him.

I WAS IN!

…and I was thrilled.

Now the hard part came. I knew NO ONE.    ::gulp::

The tiny guest list ensured that only 200 or so people would be there…and it seemed they ALL knew each other.

Immediately I knew that this would be fly or die…..so I decided to fly….and meet some people so it looked like I wasn’t some loser who crashed a charity event (which of course…I was).

I saw a guy (who was tall, white, and wearing a tuxedo of course) standing alone briefly as he left conversation and I said something along the lines of, “Ahh….it feels good wearing the penguin suit in summer right?”

…..he laughed…..and I immediately started saying, “Yeah, I said screw it this time…it’s too hot!” (referring to my less-than-appropriate attire).

He laughed again….. I then asked, “What line of business are you in?”

I still remember this years later…..he said, “Carpet!”

My lame conversation starter and NOT so-subtle cues that “I totally belonged there” worked!

His business piqued my curiosity and we started having a cool conversation about how he built up a carpeting empire.

Fortunately I ran HouseOfRave.com (a drop shipping company) and a few other small businesses at the time….so I had something to talk about on my end which fascinated him too.

….of course I never let him know exactly how SMALL these companies were :-)

From the conversation he probably thought I was some young tech entrepreneur that made millions in the tech bubble.

That was good at the time….this was my first time hanging with so many high caliber people….I wanted that misunderstanding on my side!

Fake it till you make it baby!

Anyhow….I made sure to get this guys name so I could at least fall back knowing SOMEONE at the party.

I then hit up another person, and another.

After a while, I was walking through the cocktail room saying, “What’s up John! Hey Tim! Did your wife reach yet??”

This was schmoozing at it’s finest! And I’ve gotta say….it worked like a charm.

With all my “friends” there….Anyone viewing from the outside would’ve definitely thought I belonged.

It was also at this party that I discovered a remarkably effective “friend-pickup” technique for these particular types of parties:

The bar line.

You see, at all these charity events the booze is free….and flowing.

Whatever you want, it’s all there, and 100% free.

I guess they do this for two reasons:

Reason 1.) You already pay a pretty penny just to get into these parties.

-and-

Reason 2.) They wanna get you nice and tipsy for the upcoming auctions. The drunker you are…the more you spend!

Anyhow…back to the free booze.

Usually at the cocktail hours that’s always before the main event, everyone is lining up for drinks at the bars.

At this party there was always at least 5 to 8 people waiting in line. I would simply stand in line behind someone, and immediately strike up a conversation with the following line, “Oh man a line….I need my booze now. Next time I’m bringing flask!”

They’d laugh and remark about the lines the whole night too. I’d ask them, “So whatchya getting when our number is called?”

….and they’d say something like, “Oh me and my wife always drink Gin & tonic (or whatever)”
….at which point I’d say, “Good choice….you come to these often…I’ve never seen you around?”

Doesn’t matter how lame…the point was staying in conversations!

I’d also make it a VERY strong point to introduce myself quickly after, so I could get their name also.

Also the “what line of business are you in” question would pop up quickly so I’d have something else to know them by.

My bar line trick was very effective….because by default you’ve got a minute or two to spend chatting with this person, and they’re usually not gonna be a complete douche because they’re basically stuck with you.

I was building up my arsenal of friends at the party one-by-one……and then it would SNOWBALL.

For example, I’d be talking to someone named John….when out of the blue he’d see a friend of HIS named Bill.

John will call Bill over and say hello, and then introduce ME to Bill! Now this Bill guy thinks I somehow actually belong….and not to mention I’m talking to a crowd of people who appears to know me, which is always good for the party planners to see so they don’t get suspicious.

Now just shortly after entering the room knowing NOBODY, I’m engrossed in conversations, saying hi to people everywhere and working the room!

Everything was going great until dinner was announced. It was a PACKED house and every seat in the ballroom was taken.

I went around from friend-to-friend to scope out if they had a seat, but all their tables were 100% packed to the limit.

I kind of panicked and left the ballroom. I retreated to the cocktail area and “pretended to be on an important business call”.

Eventually I found some other people hanging out there during dinner and struck up conversations.

A fortunate break was when Elton John started playing in front of the guests, a lot of people got out of their chairs and stood up towards the front for a better view. I was in luck! I simply stood with everyone else and enjoyed pretty much the most mind-blowing performance I’d ever seen.

FYI….I never really cared or knew who Elton John was (other than the Lion King song), but after that day, I’ve been an Elton John fan ever since.

It was just one man and a piano…..and that room was just FILLED with unbelievable music.

ANYHOW….I enjoyed myself, got to see a mind-blowingly great performance….

But more importantly is….I was mingling in a group full of WEALTHY people whom I admired. That was the goal.

Normally I didn’t have access to this kind of environment……but as with a lot of things in life, if you want it bad enough, you have to go out and get it.

Now since this first party, I’ve crashed MANY parties I wasn’t invited to, or just flat out couldn’t afford. Some methods of getting to these parties or events were borderline illegal….no….wait….let me correct that statement….some methods of getting into these parties or events were DEFINTELY illegal.

…and I’ve got criticism for that.

People would say, “All these people are giving to charity…and you’re sneaking in, eating the food, drinking the booze….all for free, at the expense of a CHARITY.”

Hmmm….in that light I really look like a monster.

But I look at it this way:
There’s people at these events I want to be like…..and currently I am NOT like them. In reality, I didn’t have access to those things…..and couldn’t afford to pay the price to get in. But making certain connections, learning certain things from the people there…can HELP me become more successful in the future….and at some point hopefully be able to buy full tables at these events.

But at the time….I couldn’t. So I had to get in some other way.

A lot of people in the beginning of successful careers did things that were not completely legal or ethical…..but it was how they scraped by in the beginning.

For example:

• In middle school I used to illegally download music and software and burn it onto CD’s for paying customers.
• Richard Branson of the Virgin Music empire used to drive a van full of new records back and forth between countries in Europe to avoid paying taxes on them.
• The founders of Apple, Steve jobs and Steve Wozniak….made their very first product in 1971….and it was a device that exploited the phone networks and let you illegally place calls for free.
• Las Vegas in it’s early days was a hangout for pimps, thugs, prostitutes, drug dealers and mobsters……but over time grew up into a proper tourist attraction.

Often out of the ghettoness and scrappiness, emerges something more refined.

And that was my justification.

Through crashing parties I’ve got to meet people like Lance Armstrong, Michael Dell, Elton John, Andy Roddick, Paul Mitchell and a bunch of other non-famous business people (there’s a list of them at the end of this post).

I’ve also got tons of advice from people at these parties, and learned a lot about various businesses.

But let’s re-focus here….and show how YOU can crash parties too……if you’ve got the balls.

STEP #1.) Finding a party is by far the hardest part.
You have to live in at least in a moderately good sized city. I lived in Austin, TX. this whole time….and honestly I never thought a lot of fancy charity events and parties happened here….but I was really wrong.

The mentor that told me about most of these parties taught me to keep a spreadsheet of all the parties I’d hear about or attend….and usually the parties would happen at the same time every year.

I had about 50 webpages booked marked that I’d go through each week. They were the big charities websites, and I would keep their EVENTS pages book marked and tracked on the spreadsheet.

I’d also read those high society magazines about the Austin area. You can find them at nice spas or rich area grocery stores. They usually have lots of pictures from high profile events in there….and I’d write down the event, so next year I could crash it.

I always had bookmarks of ALL the events pages around Austin…especially the University of Texas speakers that would come in town.

It’s not only high profile events you can crash….but lots of university private things.

A friend once tipped me off that Michael Dell would be speaking at her law school class (apparently his brother taught at the UT Law School for a while). I crashed that and it was an awesome talk.

So step #1 is finding out about parties. Start keeping tabs of what’s going down. It involves doing research every week, but it’s the only way to find out about all this stuff unless you’ve got someone on the inside.

Step #2 to crashing a party is:

BUY A TUXEDO! This one’s for the guys. Girls can usually get away with having a decently nice dress…..but in my experience it’s better to go alone, because the point of these parties is to force yourself to MINGLE. And if you have a date with you, you could get complacent and just hang out together without getting out of your comfort zone.

Anyhow….buy a regular old black tuxedo. It’s always OK to be over-dressed….but you don’t wanna show up to a black-tie event (which means TUXEDO’S for guys), and get turned away due to dress code.

I bought mine at K&G Men’s Warehouse for $150. They’re really not that expensive when you consider it usually will cost at least $300 just to attend one of these events.

If you show up overdressed, you now have your tuxedo as a great conversation starter!

I’d say my tuxedo has paid for itself MANY MANY MANY times over by now!

It’s funny how simply wearing a tuxedo gives you automatic status…..it works so well I find it absolutely hilarious.

One really cool event we crashed was on a FREAKIN MILITARY BASE AT NIGHT. That means you had to drive to this very specific location at night, on a military base…..and even though I didn’t have a ticket…..the fact that I showed up at the exact private location IN A FREAKIN TUXEDO let the people working there know I belonged.

They didn’t even question for a moment. But if I had waltzed in with jeans and a t-shirt, it may have been a different story.

Step # 3 to crashing a party: Keep old name badges and wristbands from different events. Almost every time when you check in with a ticket, they will give you some sort of identification that you belong.

Almost every time it’s a lanyard you wear around your neck, a namebadge to put on your shirt, or a wristband.

I have a collection of these….and when I go to an event, I bring a bunch of em. I scope out what everyone is getting, and put on the closest thing.

At events that I’ve crashed, it’s almost always a lanyard with a name badge at the end that everyone wear around their necks.

Since I’ve already got a couple of these, I pick the lanyard that looks the closest, wear it around my neck….

And the trick is….

You tuck it under your suit.

This way it appears you’re wearing the lanyard, but they can’t see the badge you’re wearing. By sheer assumption, everyone presumes you’ve just accidentally pulled your suit jacket over the lanyard.  Whooopsie ;-)

I would attend entire conferences like this!! Even if the lanyard color was different! They would just presume you had a different type of badge than they did.

Step #4.) Press badges:

In college I had my blog NevBlog.com, and I also published three articles in the University of Texas newspaper (which happens to be the #1 college newspaper in the country)…..so I would sometimes just make up shit and say I was covering the event as press!

This works SURPRISINGLY well.

Think about it, every event likes press coverage….and I was a quote on quote…“member of the press”!

One of the really neat-o things I found out about press access….was that the press almost always has it’s own table at a lot of events! This means you’ll always have a spot for dinner (although it’s better to mingle and sneak in with other people if you get the chance).

You can also sometimes get into exclusive press conferences with press access. At one event I crashed, I got to meet the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

I won’t go into details about that, because the methods used to crash that event were HIGHLY illegal…..but the short of is: I had press access, yadda yadda yadda, got to be in a room with only 25 people, half of which were big-ass security guards, and the Prime Minister of Malaysia giving a press address 5 feet in front of me. I then politely asked one of his assistants if I could take a personal picture with him (I didn’t DARE approach the guy myself with the level of security he had)….and I got the picture!

You can Google Image the term Prime Minister of Malaysia Neville to see the photo!

Step #5 to crashing a party:
Do your research at the venue beforehand. Almost always you can find alternative entrances to enter the party.

One time me and a friend had no luck getting through the main entrance of a party at the Hilton Ballroom.

So we went up to the hotel’s 17th floor (randomly). Picked out a room number to lie that we were staying there….then found the service elevators.

We were both in tuxedos.

We went down a few floors, and a maid got on the elevators. We made a joke that our room was close to the elevators and we were too lazy to walk to the real elevators.

She smiles, laughed, and got off a few floors down (I don’t think she understood what we were saying….or cared).

Then the elevator stopped again, and a freakin SECURITY GUARD got on with us. Damn.

The security guard was a young black guy (he actually kind of looked like the singer Usher)….and we immediately laughed and said, “Sorry man, we’re in room 1716 and were just too damn lazy to walk to the regular elevators!”

He responded, “You guys look like a million bucks! Where ya trynna go?”

We told him the big ballroom downstairs, and pretend to play dumb, “Can we just get out on the 4th floor and go there?”

He said “No way…this is the service area, I’ll take you to the ballroom!”

So we all got off on the 4th floor, and the security guard was leading us through a maze of service area halls. We ended up coming out to a back entrance of the ballroom where another security guard was standing at attention. Our security guard said, “These guys are with me” and let us through into the party!!

We were laughing our ASSES off that we first got kicked out of line for having no tickets….now we had our own little police escort INTO the party!!!  HA!

This was all thanks to simply knowing the venue a bit before arriving.

Step #6  to crashing a party: The trick, is to OWN the room.

Before you walk in, literally tell you brain that, “I own this joint….these motherfuckers work for ME.”

The air of confidence (or arrogance) you give off will discourage people from stopping you.

In fact, I’m going to give you my NUMBER ONE NO-FAIL method to getting into a fancy party:

Step #7 – the last-resort-works-every-time-method:
If you use all the tips I’ve given you…and couple it with this last one….you’ll DEFINITELY be able to crash almost any party.  Here’s how you do it:

Wear your nice tuxedo, bring a plain wine glass (one dollar a piece at Wal-Mart), a cocktail napkin, a cell phone, and a flask with red wine in it.

Right before you walk in the venue, pour some of the wine into the wine glass, and wrap the cocktail napkin around it.

You’re ready to walk in.

Start talking on your cell phone, holding your wine glass and cocktail napkin (so it appears you were already inside)…..now start power walking through the door.

If someone has the balls to stop you and check you for ticket, you just simply SHUSH them as if you’re annoyed (since you’re talking on the phone) ….and you keep on walking!

This has worked for me EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Here’s a brief illustration of how you do it:

Checkout out that “DON’T HASSLE ME BRO” look!

Think about it….the person checking people in is probably making $12 an hour, or is a volunteer…..they don’t want to risk being mean to the “rich person” walking inside in a hurry (who CLEARLY has been inside because he’s holding a half-full wine glass).

The way you look with a wine glass, cell phone, hurried walk and tuxedo attire….is an almost guaranteed admission inside if you pull it off correctly!

SOOOO there ya go. That’s how to find and crash parties.

Most people reading or listening to this will never do this…..it takes a lot of balls and determination to try something like this….but in the end, it was totally worth it.

The people I met, the stories I got, the things I learned, and the pictures I got from these parties were amazing.

I definitely think it was one of those things that’s helped drive me…..and if nothing else, provide some damn interesting stories and fun times :-)

This is Neville Medhora. Goodnight.

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You can read more about Neville and some of the parties he has crashed at Nevblog.com

In Welcome to the Dollhouse, being a loser has never been so artfully explored and examined. Dawn Weiner doesn’t get a break: it’s not just her peers who can’t stand her, even her parents and teachers are disgusted by her.

In fact, Dawn doesn’t even get a break after the movie. One of Solondz’s later films, Palindromes, begins at her funeral after she’s committed suicide. And this is not a spiller: The great thing about Solondz’s films, especially Welcome to the Dollhouse, Happiness, and Life During Wartime, is that each scene is its own vignette, able to stand on its own.

If you’ve stored a lot of food in the way of can goods, you could be setting yourself up for a real issue–getting the food out. I hear looking at food while starving is unpleasant with a little extra something…

Recently my manual can open broke. It quit literally came apart in my hands. After a minute of staring at a can that was only 1/4 of the way opened, I remembered I had something in my Bug Out Bag for this.

The P-51 and P-38 are the militaries tried and true method for opening cans. They don’t look like much. But they get the job done surprisingly well.

After pulling a P-51 out of my BOB it made quick work of the rest of the can. I even ended up using it for a few days till my girlfriend picked up a new one from the store. It was not as comfortable to use as a consumer manual can opener, and certainly not as easy to use as an electric, but it didn’t prove to be a pain to use either.

Both the P-51 and P-38 (thanks for sending me one John) are extremely easy to use–although, I do find the P-51 easier on the hands. The best part is for something so lightweight and under $1, there’s just no reason to pass them up.

Oh, if you get really desparate to open a can. There is a neat video of Cody Lundin opening a can on a street curb in the video below at 5:15.

Several months back I stumbled across Igor Panarin. He’s a professor and former KGB analyst with a theory about the future of the United States. I’m not saying I agree with it. But then again, I’m not saying it’s impossible either.

His timeline is obviously off, but Panarin’s theory is still interesting. Give your thoughts in the comments.

Aphrodisiacs should incite passion and lust. The Romans believed the best aphrodisiacs were foods that were “warm and moist”. They also said that “windy” foods (aka: foods that produced gas) were good aphrodisiacs… this was because the “wind” was thought to inflate the penis and cause erection. Other foods served more as a cure for infertility than causing her sexual synapses to fire.

Today, aphrodisiacs have much less to do with functionality of your “equipment” and much more with mental arousal. So with that in mind, we start to create a menu. First course, how can you NOT do oysters? Make friends with your fish monger and gather up a dozen oysters. If you have access to both Atlantic and Pacific oysters, the variances can be quite pronounced so get a variety. If you don’t like your oysters au natural, you can dress them with a bit of mignonette.

Mignonette Recipe (All recipes serve two)

• ¼ Cup Champagne Vinegar.
• 1 Tablespoon fresh shallot, minced.
• 1 Teaspoon sea salt.
• Fresh cracked black pepper to taste.
• 1 dozen mixed oysters

Mix all ingredients and slurp back some oysters!

On to the main event. Basil, garlic, and pine nuts are both aphrodisiacs… and to me that equals pesto! This rustic condiment can add “that extra oomph” to a beautifully pan seared piece of fish, steak, or fresh made pasta.

Basil Pesto Recipe

• 2 Handfuls fresh basil leaves.
• 3 Cloves of garlic.
• ½ Cup parmesan reggiano (don’t use the cheap stuff here guys).
• 1/3 Cup bright green, fruity olive oil… (again, don’t skimp here, use a quality olive oil like this).
• ¼ Cup pine nuts, toasted.
• Kosher salt to taste.

Blend all ingredients in a food processor until you have a coarse paste (or smoother if you like it)

Finally, you need to seal the deal end the meal. And if this dessert doesn’t do it, I don’t know what will. The focus of our last aphrodisiac course: vanilla [bean]… in the form of a crème brûlée (that means you get to use a blow torch!) This is actually the hardest recipe of the bunch, so I suggest doing it the night before and storing them in the fridge with plastic wrap touching the custard. When your meal begins, you can bring the custard to room temperature, and brûlée them just before serving.

Crème Brûlée Recipe

• 2 Cups Heavy Cream.
• 1 Madagascar or Tahitian vanilla bean split and scraped. Stick the vanilla hull in some sugar to make “vanilla sugar” and reserve for the next time you make crème brûlée.
• ½ Cup sugar or “vanilla sugar” (see above).
• 3 Egg yolks. (From large sized eggs).
• ¼ Cup Turbinado Sugar.
• 1 Teaspoon Kosher Salt.

1. Preheat the oven to 325F.
2. Place cream and vanilla into small pot, heat over medium heat until just simmering. Cover and allow the vanilla to steep in the cream for 10 minutes. (Remove from heat)
3. While the vanilla is steeping, mix egg yolks and sugar together thoroughly with a whisk until the mix is pale yellow and slightly foamy.
4. Add the now warm cream mixture (be sure to get all of the vanilla seeds) to the egg/sugar mixture and stir well. Pass through a fine strainer into individual ramekins.
5. Place ramekins in roasting dish and add HOT water until the ramekins are ½ submerged. Cover the entire roasting tray loosely with foil.
6. Bake at 325F for 30-40minutes until sides of each ramekin are barely set and the center is slightly giggly. Remove ramekins from pan and rest on cooling rack until they are room temperature before covering with plastic wrap and transferring to fridge.

Before serving: bring ramekins back up to room temperature. [Remove plastic wrap] and sprinkle the entire top surface with the turbinado sugar. Torch lightly until a crust barely forms. Once cool (about 30 seconds) sprinkle 3-4 grains of salt on top of the new sugar crust. Now add a healthy 2^nd sprinkle of turbinado sugar and torch again until the entire top is crusted (but not completely burnt). Repeat this on both ramekins. Serve immediately and enjoy.

Make this for your valentine and let me know how it goes! Save me the explicit details unless you have pictures of your girl to accompany them.

I ask this question to my friends, and I always get a kick out of their responses. Some say, “Yeah! I will get my swerve on!” others say, “No, not tonight,” and still others say, “What exactly do you mean by ‘swerve’?”

“Getting your swerve on” means whatever you think it means: to one man, it’s rubbing against the hottest girl in the club, as hard as Tom Hanks rubs sticks of wood together to spark fire in Castaway. To another, it may mean drinking so much Captain Morgan he ends up Facebooking his first-ever girlfriend and asking her why she never slipped him tongue during spin-the-bottle at his parents’ lakehouse. And sometimes, “getting your swerve on” means having a great time doing, well, absolutely anything fun with friends, love interests, or both.

If you don’t have a date lined up for this Valentine’s Day, and you haven’t already planned to stalk grocery aisles and pick up a lonely redhead by the frozen peas, then I want to help you get your swerve on, no matter what kind of swerve you’re looking for.

I’ve provided two options. One, or both, may be right for you.

“Miracle Fruit” Party

Are you dateless for Valentine’s Day, but content with a bustling social life? If so, consider setting up a Valentine’s Day “Miracle Fruit” party, where you’ll invite your male and female friends to a thirteen-course meal where sour cream tastes like vanilla yogurt, Guinness Beer tastes like a chocolate milkshake…and those are just the first two courses. (Read Neil’s “Miracle Fruit” post if you want more details on how exactly “miracle fruit” distorts and explodes familiar flavors into a culinary acid trip you and your friends won’t forget.)

In the last few years, there has been a trend of single women hosting “Anti-Valentine’s Day” parties, a trend memorialized in the why-am-I-watching-this? 2010 romantic comedy Valentine’s Day. However, take a different tact with your “Miracle Fruit” party. Maybe you “hate” Valentine’s Day for political, social, or intellectual reasons, but experiment with putting your hatred aside and using the day as a time to give thanks to your non-romantic companions. At your “Miracle Fruit” party, you will be surrounded by friends and friends-of-friends. Celebrate that. (Maybe cue up a playlist of John Tesh soft-belled ballads to serve as your soundtrack. The gooier the tracks, the better.)

Going “anti-Valentine” may seem like a good choice, but by striking a more positive tone and emphasizing the joy of the bonds you’ve made rather than whining about the bonds you’ve broken or haven’t yet created, you’ll get yourself in the right state of mind for a fulfilling year.

And who knows? Maybe your friend will bring along a single, sexy insurance agent who somehow makes the words “State” and “Farm” sound dirty.

Get your swerve on, people.

Find Your Passion

Maybe you’ve had a tough year. You’ve moved to a different city, a different school, or a different job, and you don’t yet have a network of friends and potential love interests to invite to a “Miracle Fruit” party. If that’s the case, look at Valentine’s Day 2012 as the beginning of the rest of your life.

Melodramatic? Perhaps, but I’ve been in your shoes, and what got me out of them was a few little fixes: one, I began to smile more. Two, I began talking to not only people I wanted to befriend, but everyone I’d see, from the cashier at the grocery store to the sandwich-man at the deli.

Before you undergo a social makeover, however, ask yourself the following questions:

1. What is my passion?
2. How can I share my passion with others?
3. Where can I meet others who share my passion?

Even if you have a seemingly solitary passion (I have one- writing), you can still find people to encourage that passion, and make friends at the same time (I’ve joined community writing workshops, where three to six writers would get together to discuss, critique, and encourage each other’s stories). If you can’t think of a way your passion can be shared with others, change “passion” to a softer phrase, like “an activity I enjoy doing.” The goal of this exercise is to focus on what brings joy to your life, and to see how you can bond with others on the same turf. (Check Craigslist, Facebook, or local alt-weeklies for appropriate group/club meetings and events.)

Don’t worry yet about attracting the woman you want to date. Start by attracting people, period, and you will become more attractive person long before Valentine’s Day 2013. That’s your swerve.
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If you have any unconventional ideas on how to get your swerve on this Valentine’s Day, please share them with us in the comments.

For the new year, we can make a powerful choice: to make this Valentine’s season an occasion to upend our romantic expectations and start understanding our behavior in a new way. A few months ago, Neil wrote about the Top Ten Seductive Influences in Cinema, which featured seducers from Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black to Johnny Depp in Don Juan DeMarco. From the post, readers could observe what body language and verbiage distinguished suave naturals from average frustrated chumps.

But what about the films that feature not alpha-males, but beta-males trying to figure out the riddle of relationships? Do those movies have anything to teach us? Movies like Garden State, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and (500) Days of Summer, to name a few, which are less about the seductive skills of the male protagonists than they are about the charisma of the female leads?

The answer is yes; these movies can teach us something, but maybe not in the way we expect. In this How to Be The Valentine series, I plan to highlight clips from classic and contemporary cinema that feature seductive female behavior that males can do well in imitating. The idea is that rather than asking someone to be your valentine, you can develop the strong alpha behaviors to become the sought-after valentine yourself by imitating some of what powerful women do in these movies.

Our first clip is from the seminal Mike Nichols’ coming-of-age film The Graduate (1967), which is best-known for the classic line, “Ms. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me.”

Let’s watch it together.

0.05 Ms. Robinson, the seducer, is already establishing her power over the young Benjamin: notice that he’s sitting, uncertain and fidgety, and she’s standing, casual but in control, with a cigarette artfully trapped between her fingers. She turns on Dave Grusin’s “Sun Porch Cha-Cha-Cha,” setting the mood, bringing Benjamin into her world.

0.09-0.13 “May I ask you a question?” Ms. Robinson says to Benjamin, her back turned to him as she slinks into a bar stool at a higher perch than Benjamin’s chair. (She’s maintaining a higher position, both physically and figuratively.) Ms. Robinson doesn’t wait for Benjamin’s approval to ask him a question; frankly, she doesn’t need his go-ahead. So she continues, “What do you think of me?”

0.35 After Benjamin tells Ms. Robinson he always thought of her as a nice person, Ms. Robinson asks him if he knew she was an alcoholic. Though not a seductive topic of conversation on its surface, Ms. Robinson knows what she’s doing; she’s lassoing Benjamin into her world, an adult world of adult concerns and confidences.

0.37-1.10 “Sit down, Benjamin,” Ms. Robinson says after Benjamin rustles out of his chair. Soon, Benjamin begins to pace around the room and realize what the audience has been realizing all the while: that Ms. Robinson wants more than just conversation.

Notice how dominant and calm Ms. Robinson remains even after Benjamin is seemingly on to her scheme. “You didn’t really think I’d do something like that?” Benjamin asks, flustered. “Like what?” Ms. Robinson asks brightly. She’s not nervous, she’s not unsure. She knows exactly what’s going to happen, and she’s letting Benjamin dance under the hot lights. “What do you think?” Benjamin asks, hoping to get Ms. Robinson to say it, but she doesn’t budge. “Well, I don’t know,” she says, with a measured giggle, her long legs brushing absently against a nearby stool.

1.10-1.30 Benjamin calls Ms. Robinson out on the music, on the sudden personal revelations, on her mentioning that her husband’s not at home. “Ms. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me,” Benjamin says.

And how does she react? Does she fess up? No, she doesn’t; she laughs and plays with her ear. She’s still in control, leaving Benjamin decidedly at her mercy, ripe for her seduction.

If you see anything else you can steal from Ms. Robinson’s repertoire, share it with us in the comments.