Today’s guest blogger, writer and Inner-Circle member Georgie Beal, gives us the female perspective on the dreaded friend-zone…
A general definition of the friend-zone would be the state of limbo a boy feels when he has obtained a friend like relationship with a girl with the intent of future intimacy that is denied or ignored by the other party.
It’s understandable why this relationship would confuse and frustrate. Especially considering the time and effort that might have been given to nurture the friendship. However it must be remembered that unlike boys, girls are designed to seek commitment and resources before selecting their partner. This is the basic instinct the majority of females feel.
With this in mind, it makes sense that if a girl can acquire commitment and resources without the exchange of sex, why would she bother to provide intimacy in return? Similarly, if a man can get sex without commitment, why would he bother to commit? In most cases he wouldn’t, just as woman won’t.
Women have had an understanding of this for a long time, which is why advice has historically been given that a girl should play hard to get, make him wait before sex and so on. In doing so, adding value to herself and the assets she offers. In this case, the intimacy she can provide is her precious asset. In a man’s case, it is his commitment and resources.
To ensure you are not stuck in limbo, as so many men often are, there are three important rules to remember when having a friendship with a girl you wish to turn into something more.
Be The Gatekeeper Of Your Emotional Support
I find that the most common mistake for guys whining about being stuck in the friend-zone is that they all fall into the same trap. They talk to the target girl about everything, they are the shoulder she cries on, providing emotional support without restrictions, while assuming in some way this will increase the bonding in the relationship. It will not.
Most girls are used to discussing their feelings with many different types of people. This is not a special or rare occurrence. Particularly these feelings are often shared with their closest female friends. By socializing in such a way before romantic feelings have developed for the girl, one is putting themselves in a feminine social position. Clearly a disadvantageous spot to be in.
To avoid this, the key here is to make a girl work for your emotional support providing capabilities. Do not let yourself be associated with her misery or misfortune, or worse yet her flailing relationships. Instead, rather be a friend she turns to when she is need for excitement, fun and adventure. By doing so you are associating yourself with similar feelings to arousal rather than all the negativity in her life.
Emotional support is the prize you offer, make her work for it. Don’t hand it out to everyone like it has no value. Save it for the relationship.
Treat Her As Your Equal
Another behavior many guys display when stuck in the friend-zone is that they idolize their target. Prioritizing her needs above their own, her whims above their friends. In doing so, putting the target in a position of power. This is unhealthy as well as undesirable to the target.
Most women will not be attracted to men who so easily become doormats. As frustrating as it is, being the perfect friend will in no way convince a girl to leave her douchebag boyfriend. In fact, by providing all those boyfriend behaviors without being in an intimate relationship, you are encouraging the girl to stay with her douchebag boyfriend who might stimulate her sexual needs, while you care for her other sexless needs in the background.
Therefore, it is vital to treat her as any other friend. If you wouldn’t go out of your way to drive your male friend home, do not drive your female friend home. All these affectionate and resource providing behaviors need to be saved for the dating and relationship stage. Doing so under the pretext of friendship will only solidify that friendship and ensure a very difficult battle out of it.
Make A Move
Lastly, the most important rule to remember is that you actually need to make a move. In the modern world, it is perfectly acceptable for a boy to be friends with a girl without ulterior motives. Being aware of this, girls now may have doubt in their minds as to what your feelings and intentions are. The longer you wait to act, the more time they have to convince themselves that you are not attracted to them and not an option for a future boyfriend. Having this thought diminishes your chances considerably.
Furthermore, the girl may simply not be that into you as you lack the skills or technique to gain her interest yet. This information is better known early on as it prevents the friend-zone situation occurring in the first place. This does not mean you necessarily have to give up on the girl or the friendship but at least you know where you stand in her eyes and have the option to pursue others.
What To Do If You’re Already In The Zone
Assuming you are already friend-zoned, all this information is probably coming to you a little bit late. However fear not, you can still make it out if you are prepared to make the sacrifices.
Firstly, you need to stop contacting your targeted friend. Slowly but surely, you need to distance yourself, become less familiar and fade out of her life. This may take time, a few months at minimum, years if necessary. Secondly, you must utilize this time, become the man you want to be, achieve your goals, meet new people, have new relationships, obtain life experience. If you’re not prepared to do this, you have to ask yourself if you’re attitude isn’t perhaps holding you back in the first place. Thirdly, after a period of time away with new changes and developments to present, approach your target again. Be flirtatious from the start and make it apparent you are no longer the sweet door mat she remembers. You have changed and are worth her attention now. Nothing is more attractive to woman than transformation in a man.
If you follow the above three rules in all your interactions, as well as other techniques you’ve learned you have a shot at a success. Remember, you have value. There is no reason to lower your position, maintain your status and at the very least she will respect you more for it.