3 Ways To Avoid Being Friend-Zoned

Neil StraussNeil, The Game28 Comments

Today’s guest blogger, writer and Inner-Circle member Georgie Beal, gives us the female perspective on the dreaded friend-zone…

A general definition of the friend-zone would be the state of limbo a boy feels when he has obtained a friend like relationship with a girl with the intent of future intimacy that is denied or ignored by the other party.

It’s understandable why this relationship would confuse and frustrate. Especially considering the time and effort that might have been given to nurture the friendship.  However it must be remembered that unlike boys, girls are designed to seek commitment and resources before selecting their partner. This is the basic instinct the majority of females feel.

With this in mind, it makes sense that if a girl can acquire commitment and resources without the exchange of sex, why would she bother to provide intimacy in return? Similarly, if a man can get sex without commitment, why would he bother to commit? In most cases he wouldn’t, just as woman won’t.

Women have had an understanding of this for a long time, which is why advice has historically been given that a girl should play hard to get, make him wait before sex and so on. In doing so, adding value to herself and the assets she offers. In this case, the intimacy she can provide is her precious asset. In a man’s case, it is his commitment and resources.

To ensure you are not stuck in limbo, as so many men often are, there are three important rules to remember when having a friendship with a girl you wish to turn into something more.

fzone

Be The Gatekeeper Of Your Emotional Support

I find that the most common mistake for guys whining about being stuck in the friend-zone is that they all fall into the same trap. They talk to the target girl about everything, they are the shoulder she cries on, providing emotional support without restrictions, while assuming in some way this will increase the bonding in the relationship. It will not.

Most girls are used to discussing their feelings with many different types of people. This is not a special or rare occurrence. Particularly these feelings are often shared with their closest female friends. By socializing in such a way before romantic feelings have developed for the girl, one is putting themselves in a feminine social position. Clearly a disadvantageous spot to be in.

To avoid this, the key here is to make a girl work for your emotional support providing capabilities. Do not let yourself be associated with her misery or misfortune, or worse yet her flailing relationships. Instead, rather be a friend she turns to when she is need for excitement, fun and adventure. By doing so you are associating yourself with similar feelings to arousal rather than all the negativity in her life.

Emotional support is the prize you offer, make her work for it. Don’t hand it out to everyone like it has no value. Save it for the relationship.

Treat Her As Your Equal

Another behavior many guys display when stuck in the friend-zone is that they idolize their target. Prioritizing her needs above their own, her whims above their friends. In doing so, putting the target in a position of power. This is unhealthy as well as undesirable to the target.

Most women will not be attracted to men who so easily become doormats. As frustrating as it is, being the perfect friend will in no way convince a girl to leave her douchebag boyfriend. In fact, by providing all those boyfriend behaviors without being in an intimate relationship, you are encouraging the girl to stay with her douchebag boyfriend who might stimulate her sexual needs, while you care for her other sexless needs in the background.

Therefore, it is vital to treat her as any other friend. If you wouldn’t go out of your way to drive your male friend home, do not drive your female friend home. All these affectionate and resource providing behaviors need to be saved for the dating and relationship stage. Doing so under the pretext of friendship will only solidify that friendship and ensure a very difficult battle out of it.

Make A Move

Lastly, the most important rule to remember is that you actually need to make a move. In the modern world, it is perfectly acceptable for a boy to be friends with a girl without ulterior motives. Being aware of this, girls now may have doubt in their minds as to what your feelings and intentions are. The longer you wait to act, the more time they have to convince themselves that you are not attracted to them and not an option for a future boyfriend. Having this thought diminishes your chances considerably.

Furthermore, the girl may simply not be that into you as you lack the skills or technique to gain her interest yet. This information is better known early on as it prevents the friend-zone situation occurring in the first place. This does not mean you necessarily have to give up on the girl or the friendship but at least you know where you stand in her eyes and have the option to pursue others.

What To Do If You’re Already In The Zone

Assuming you are already friend-zoned, all this information is probably coming to you a little bit late. However fear not, you can still make it out if you are prepared to make the sacrifices.

Firstly, you need to stop contacting your targeted friend. Slowly but surely, you need to distance yourself, become less familiar and fade out of her life. This may take time, a few months at minimum, years if necessary. Secondly, you must utilize this time, become the man you want to be, achieve your goals, meet new people, have new relationships, obtain life experience. If you’re not prepared to do this, you have to ask yourself if you’re attitude isn’t perhaps holding you back in the first place. Thirdly, after a period of time away with new changes and developments to present, approach your target again. Be flirtatious from the start and make it apparent you are no longer the sweet door mat she remembers. You have changed and are worth her attention now. Nothing is more attractive to woman than transformation in a man.

If you follow the above three rules in all your interactions, as well as other techniques you’ve learned you have a shot at a success. Remember, you have value. There is no reason to lower your position, maintain your status and at the very least she will respect you more for it.

28 Comments on “3 Ways To Avoid Being Friend-Zoned”

  1. Neil, it is clear you were born to created posts like this, and you need to create more of them. It allows you to really zero in on many of the aspects of this stuff for those of us that get easily overwhelmed by the process. Sadly enough, for many it is a lengthy and frustrating process and having post like this take subjects one at a time, and one day at a time, really helps combat the noise.

    A while back (way before I was making progress with any of this stuff), I sensed that I was getting into the Zone with someone. She had been getting into the habit of having me drive her around for certain errands and such. I obviously did not possess the skills of attraction at the time, and I did the only thing I thought I should do considering the unwinnable situation. I asked her to kiss me first before we went on any errands. She reached over to peck me on the cheek, and I said no, on the lips. She would not. I realize my mistake was that I had not built up attraction, but at the same time I felt that even though that was the case, if I hadn’t done something rather than nothing, that the subject would never have been breached.

    I didn’t see her for a couple years, then I was in another city and low and behold she was too. She got in touch with me and we made plans to go to a really cool place to spend the day. I rented a car for the day, and she called in the morning to delay by a couple of hours. I said fine, and waited a bit. She then delayed again for another hour. By this time I had already rented the car, and was about pick her up. A third phone call, and she said she was ready but needed just another half hour, and could we stop over and (believe it or not) run an errand she had to do in another town.

    At this point, I said sure. I then waited about a half an hour and texted her that I could not make it, that I had run in to some old friends and got side tracked and couldn’t make it after all. Obviously Neil, this was not the truth on my part, but I was trying to take some of the advice being passed by the community.

    Did I do the right thing? It sure felt like I did. And I felt really good about it as well. Maybe that’s all that matters. Still struggling with a lot of this stuff, because after living out of a bottle of Alcohol for so many years, I really feel like I have crawled out of a time machine, and am starting all over again. Not giving up, but not making much progress either. I feel like it took 5 years just to unlearn my worst habits.

    1. It takes a lot of hard work to break out of old behavior patterns. Recognizing them is half the battle, though. Glad this post spoke to you!

    2. Recognizing bad behavior may be half the battle. The other half of the battle is to create actionable answers to your bad routines. Routines is what makes us and breaks from the path of growth and self fulfillment. Create a routine of consistently catching yourself sliding back into your comfort zone.

      Once you Start recognizing the back word slide. Get into the habit of thinking latterly. Use your imagination, take chances on ideas or go with your gut feeling. Another option is, do what I did and still practice.

      Observe how others overcome your situation that you may not be able to currently over come.
      Watch how they over came or detoured around the dilemma completely.

      Begin emulating their behavior, tone of voice, body language. At first it will feel awkward and unnatural. But with Practice, it will become natural. Once you get the gist of their actions down, Refine it and make it your own.

      Once enough of these behavior changes have been incorporated. Expand and learn new skills and habits that compliment your newly acquired prior skills and behaviors. The reward of this adaptation is you’ll discover your old tired habits will begin to fade away.

      The old baggage we carry is what we hold onto for comfort, security and familiarity. Familiarity is an anchor that takes up valuable space in our limited minds. Let go of your anchor and focus forward your full attention to your present and future opportunities.

      The way to do this is, use your inner voice volume dial to slowly turn down your familiarity habit speak.
      Continue doing this till you learn to rule over your habit speak, rather then letting your habit speak rule over you.

      Hope this helps.
      Good post.

  2. Beautiful, i have quite a few friends asking me why they end up in the friend zone so often. And this is just about how I explain it. I should print this and pin it on my door haha.

  3. Very often the guys who want a girl are the guys she already has. Don’t be so available to her. Thanks for the Greta advice.

  4. If you know who you are and what your value is, you will never end in the friend zone. Its as simple as that.

      1. The behaviors described are an expression of insecurity and lack of self esteem. So even if you cannot avoid the friend zone, you can certainly not fall into those kind of behaviors and walk away if someone doesn’t treat you the way you deserve it.

  5. I would have to say get friend zoned. I have had some experience (thanks to the inspiration) of Neil. I have succesfully jumped from ultra friend zone to dating a couple of times.
    perception is reality.

  6. “With this in mind, it makes sense that if a girl can acquire commitment and resources without the exchange of sex, why would she bother to provide intimacy in return?”

    This is the only part I disagree with, and I am surprised to see it being written by a female…. Women love sex at least as much as men and it is not an exchange. That is called prostitution. Where is the exchange in one night stands and friends with benefits for example?

    I think the better way to look at it is that if you are falling over yourself to provide for her and be submissive, she simply doesn’t think you will be good in bed at all. And women value quality over quantity by a long way.

    This is why part of your early flirting should include touching her in ways that turn her on (and not in her typical erogenous zones of course) and show that you know how to handle a woman.

  7. It’s interesting because I’m already started this transformation period. I met a quality girl accidently while starting my own “Friend-Zone” test. She even suggested being intimate and I refused her. She was also neg proof. So I knew we were on the same wavelength. I’m on my sixth month with minimal contact (a message a month). I used to see her five days a week for eight months. We’ll see how it turns out.

    1. Be careful rejecting a girl, it depends on the individual but rejection can be a powerful way to kill all desire. There is a difference from being a tease and out right crushing hope. We all move on eventually. If you care about the girl be weary how you handle her. If you are indifferent to the outcome however, enjoy the experience and see what happens.

  8. Yeah, this is good stuff. I haven’t been in a situation like that in about 8 years, which is a personal record. One thing I do that helps is keep the mentality that female attraction generally happens early on or it doesn’t happen at all. And if it doesn’t happen soon, then I get on with my dating life.

  9. This week was really good Three woman pull up one night, by the simple mantra “I’m a 10” “I don’t give shit what people think of me” “I’m the party”.

    Yeah friend zone one of the three is someone do I know who have try to put me in the friend zone, for me was not the case so I have been put the stuff higher and now I date her tonight.

    other one was the waitress in bar, she was doing her duty I was with friends talking, she was outside smoking same mind set untouchable, first she told me that hard to things in life, I told her victory is my only way I don’t know defeat, second she told me ha I’m thinking maybe to be to old to do this by the way she’s “25” so I have leave her enjoy my time with friend. After this going ask for a beer she serve me again I chat a little bit with her after that time to go out I say hmm you will not see before a month there and she told me I can’t wait that time “give her phone number we kiss”

    Third one
    That one I have meet her in party she’s model and she got a style and that one I have been doing a bit another Technic because she’s insecure and also proud of herself so she try to look high sadly she met me who professional musician since age 16 and my ex was also a model so I’m not impress by her status and less impress. At the end she was so impress she gave me her number and more so I see her Sunday.

    So mindset is 100%

    1. Great post. I will just add up my 50 cents. I’m a cavemen by nature, I’ve always treated girls like bros. I don’t give a F. I start my relationships the other way round, treat them like bros, they will respect you, have 0 tolerance for BS. Make them earn your trust and respect . You will see your success rate sky rocket. Girls are tired of guys being like girls. Do you think a cavemen cared about her feelings or errands ? Hell no. Do u think the cavemen got laid ? Probably by the hundreds !
      So just act careless from the beginning , either way , if you are looking to score (you will!) And if not, you will surely gain a true friend (like a bro) and u will not feel like u wasted your time. Finding good girls is easy , finding good guys is hard ! So sell yourself high! 😉

  10. Hey Neil,
    This might be annoying, but I think as a writer of your caliber, you’d like to make note of this. There’s an error in the recent friend zone article:

    “If you’re not prepared to do this, you have to ask yourself if you’re* attitude isn’t perhaps holding you back in the first place.”

    Cheers and thanks for all the great writing!

  11. It’s funny that we all have been through this process almost the same but different story. I had a hard time breaking those patterns but I did it, then I was putting girls into friend zone in a fun way.
    But now coming out of a bad relationship recently is bringing back those old habits of mine and it’s had to break those patterns.
    All I am doing these days is talking out myself out of it but it’s hard.
    Feel free to suggest anything here.

  12. Definitely had my fair share of ‘friend zones’ in the past..

    After reading the game and few more books, I felt that I could start as a friend but not become an emotional shoulder which was happening during my pre-sarging days…

    The skills I have been able to show is portraying myself as different from other men (demonstrating value) whilst also analysing what women look for (trust and comfort). This always worked for me as I am eliciting areas that men do not take into account when courting women.

    Even things like LMR, Cat-string and womens heart vs head moments during intimacy I discuss.

    This has never failed as I have got the woman to open up about intimate areas indirectly, thus building the comfort areas which friends are not usually comfortable with.

    Once I go for the seduction stage, I almost present it rather then press as I use discussions we’ve had before (make her realise I am different).

    It will sound long-winded to most but I actually love the company of women.

  13. I particularly like this quote:

    “Be flirtatious from the start and make it apparent you are no longer the sweet door mat she remembers.”

    The issue I see is guy’s aren’t sexual enough. They don’t escalate. One of my good friends is extremely good at approaching women – even better than I am and I’m a very sociable person.

    The challenge I see him run into over and over again is he’s a very fun, chill person and he doesn’t sexualize his interactions.

    They have good conversation, she’s engaged with him, but she probably doesn’t see him as someone she wants to be sexual with. How do I know this? Because there have been numerous times he’s told me where he’s gotten her number but nothing has come of it.

    Why? Because he’s not sexualizing his interaction enough.

    So how does a man become more flirtatious and sexualize the interaction? One tip: Think about her in a sexual way – hink about her going down on you, her pulling her skirt up and riding you, you taking her from behind, etc. Try that next time you talk to a woman you’re interested in.

    1. yeh this is definitely true. It’s particularly a problem for young guys as they don’t want to appear creepy. It’s a very difficult situation but with practice guys will learn what is acceptable and what isn’t. I think sometimes guys just have to try, if they come off weird at least they will know what not to do in the future.

      I think perhaps another helpful tip for how to be remind a girl you’re open for business without being intimidating is imagining how awesome she will feel afterwards. That way the interaction is less about the guy seeking a means to satisfy himself and more about him trying to give pleasure. In that way the boy has the power because she is the one missing out, she is the one who’s not getting a chance to experience what he can provide every second she’s denying him. I think that mentality is definitely a good one to have when trying to be more sexual in nature. Either way it will give a guy a more dominant mind set which is generally important when attracting girls.

  14. Hey, met this chick two nights ago! Smart gamer chick with a ridiculously hot body, spent the whole night talking about everything under the sun, from greek and roman mythology, (tried to use the ring story off seduction forum, that’s a rip off from Plato’s Symposium, which I knew and she knew too!) Too Dragon Ball Z and Pokémon games! Teased too please her on her Pokémon card collection a bit, sarcastically one upping every B.A. card she had in her deck, we had a blast! So much so that she asked for my number, and gave me hers without me asking (ioi), laughed at every joke I told, (ioi) her friend and I are friends, and she was pressuring it, is that a + or -? She called me today without me texting her just to talk ioi?… but the night we met and talked for hours all I ended up with was a hand shake :s we have plans for tomorrow night for karaoke and my plan is to just nut up and kiss her just throw out the gamble when our friend is in the bathroom, or while walking them to their car, or should I make my intentions known early on during the date? She’s also the type of girl that was a nerd in high school, and has no idea that she totally developed an a super model style body. Any feedback would be great!

  15. So i asked this girl out, she said no yet she keeps talking to me. I am on the fz but she still flirts with me she said has a boyfriend that annoys her. What do i do?

  16. Here is a woman’s perspective: the only men who get placed in the friend zone are the ones I am not attracted to, not interested in, and would never sleep with. Read that again.

    If you are in the friend zone, it is because I want you there, and do not want you making a move on me. In the friend zone, I will give you my trust as a friend, and that means I trust you won’t betray my trust by making a move on me.

    Women are creatures who are constantly seeking love. Naturally, we know whether you are sleepable, dateable or marriage material in the first 30 seconds we meet you. You go straight to the friend zone if you qualify for none of the above categories.

    This sounds harsh, I know. Your only option is to decide if you want to remain a trusted friend, or not be a friend at all, but once a woman has placed you in the dreaded friend zone, there is no way out. Sorry guys, there are countless advice books selling you the possibility or the dream, but no, I won’t sleep with a friend.

    One of my closest male friends, once casually mentioned he wanted more than friendship. As a woman, I felt betrayed. My trust was broken. I trusted this person like a brother, confided, shared, etc. only to find out he is not a true friend, he wanted action instead. To a woman, that is the equivalent of a brother telling her he wanted sex. The concept is just repulsive.

    Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

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