The New Rules Of The Game – The Game Bill of Rights

Neil StraussNeil, Public, The Game72 Comments

As some of you may already know, the Eaton Centre mall in Toronto tweeted the following last week:

Evidently, men talking to women in a mall pose a serious “health” risk. Perhaps cooties are real.

Certainly people have a right to shop in peace, but even when customers were trampling each other to death on Black Friday, most malls didn’t press this kind of panic button.

And it’s made me realize that it’s time to create a Bill of Rights to separate the fact from the myth of The Game, and try to put an end to some of this ridiculousness.

I don’t want to defend the so-called PUAs who were in the mall, nor do I want to attack them. I know nothing about them. All I know is that if they were “caught” trying to pickup women and if they were making women uncomfortable, then they’re definitely not PUAs. They’re AFCs.

This announcement by the mall comes in the same year that Kickstarter decided to ban all “seduction guides.” It seems we’re one scandal away from a PUA witch hunt.

Some of the censure, unfortunately, is not undeserved. There appear to be plenty of socially uncalibrated, psychologically disturbed, and “kamikaze” PUAs bringing this scorn and criticism on themselves.

So, it turns out, in the War on the Game, both sides have been guilty of jeopardizing what is well on its way to becoming a positive self-improvement and social-skills-building movement for men: Some PUA-haters for “creep-shaming” nice, shy, or awkward guys who are trying to get comfortable with women and some PUAs for using misogynist marketing tactics or teaching what amounts to harassment.

So what I’d like to do in this email is declare a TRUCE on both sides. Let’s lay down the battle axes. Let’s let go of our fear of “the other.” Let’s call a complete end to the name-calling of players and bitches, creeps and sluts. And let’s start understanding each other.

Every one of these men and women is searching, in their own way, for connection. Even enemies of so-called PUAs are also searching for connection, they just want to ensure that it’s authentic.

For most of these “scared singles,” the solution is to start searching for and discovering each other in a positive, well-intentioned, fun, and empathic way. This is courtship, not war.

To that end, I decided to sketch out today a Bill of Rights. It is applicable to people of any sex or sexual preference who want to meet each other–as well as to those who don’t.

THE GAME BILL OF RIGHTS

We hold these truths to be self-evident that:

1.  Most single people would like to meet potential romantic and/or sexual partners.

2.  While some men and women are comfortable interacting with people they’re attracted to, many are not.

3.  Some people are naturally charming, interesting, and attractive; others are naturally awkward, nervous, and uncertain.

4.  Those who are not naturally comfortable around people who interest them have a right to learn to improve their social, conversation, emotional, and attraction skills and intelligence.

5.  Similarly, those who are approached have a right to their own space, to decline an unwelcome conversation, or to choose not to meet someone new.

6.  People’s biggest fear is social humiliation. Whether you are approaching or approached, treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.

a.  As the one who is approaching, do not make others uncomfortable, harass them, touch them without permission, or be dishonest with them.

b.  Similarly, if you’re approached and do not want to talk to the person, remember that he or she is probably just as sensitive as you are and be polite. If you feel compelled to be rude, consider instead providing constructive feedback about their approach.

7.  It is not intrinsically bad to seek casual sex, nor is it intrinsically good to seek a relationship. Neither is morally better than the other. What is important is that both people’s expectations are the same.

8.  Consent is crucial and non-negotiable.

9.  If you want to learn how to attract the opposite sex, you must start doing things that are attractive to them. These include being more interesting, confident, humorous, self-aware, empathic, authentic, positive, well-rounded, and spiritual. Ultimately, to form relationships with others more successfully, you actually have to become a better person.

10.  Do not let yourself be shamed out of trying to improve yourself. However, be empathic to those who are critical of the community. Most women feel less safe in this culture due to men. Most men, on the other hand, don’t feel less safe in this culture due to women. So anything that appears to empower men even more can be frightening to many women.

11.  While some people fear the intentions of others when meeting and dating, almost everyone fears rejection. Not only does nothing good come from these fears, but it gives others false power over us. Rather than seeking validation and esteem from others, get your esteem from within.

12.  Date responsibly. Every approach, every sexual encounter, every romance you are in, do your best to ensure that the person not only doesn’t regret the experience but is better off for having had it.

13.  Safe sex is mandatory. However, there is no such thing as safe love. It is a risk of the heart. But it is well worth the reward.

When I wrote The Game, I planned to neither defend nor attack the community, because it can be both helpful and hurtful. But as I read what’s going on, I feel compelled to speak up because in the end it changed my life in such a positive way. Since I was a kid, I wanted to get married and have children. I also of course wanted to have some fun on the way there. I often think that if I hadn’t learned this, I’d end up old and alone. Or, even worse, with someone who I don’t love or who doesn’t love me.

There are many men and women in this world who feel alone. There are many who are frustrated with and often angry at the opposite sex. There are many who go through months or years or even a lifetime without ever having the connection they yearn for, while they watch others who seem to be having all the fun or all the luck.

They need support, not shame. They already spend enough time shaming themselves as it is. And they need good advice that helps, because one bad experience with a phony pickup artist can lead them to end their own journey to passion, joy, and connection before it’s even started.

Now that my single life is literally buried, there are a few very specific misconceptions about The Game I’d like to finally clear up. So the next email will address a massive problem that’s been very confusing for men getting into The Game and has also led to problems like the Eaton Centre fiasco.

As you’re reading this, I’m sure you have your own thoughts and amendments you’d like to share—or perhaps ways to distinguish the good from the bad self-proclaimed PUAs. Post them here, and let’s start an open discussion on the subject.

 

72 Comments on “The New Rules Of The Game – The Game Bill of Rights”

  1. Really wonderful post. I hope this goes viral on the internet so it receives readership on sites that consistently bash PUAs and gets some good group input to make it something we can all sign on with. Two suggested (minor) edits:

    #6a. “…touch them without permission” – In theory, this is correct, but a touch to the arm, holding hands, etc. during conversation and courtship are usually done without asking permission (“may I hold your hand?)” as a way to indicate interest and gauge lack of interest. May need to delete this phrasing here, but reference it elsewhere, perhaps in the section about consent being crucial.

    #7. I find the word “morally” troubling, because some people (not me) will argue that sex outside of a committed relationship is “morally” problematic. Perhaps a slight modification: “When practiced ethically, neither casual sex nor a committed relationship are superior to the other.”

  2. Neil,

    I know you’re going to hate this, but as long as you call it The Game Bill of Rights, it’s not going to be get much positive support outside of anyone who isn’t already sympathetic to the dating/pickup community. The best thing the community could do to improve relationships with those outside of it is to end the use of all pickup terminology. Including the word “game” and “pickup”.

    I personally despise the terminology because I think it makes it harder to defend. The words people use matter. Politicians know this but for some reason nobody else has accepted this to be true.

    I don’t know how you add this to the bill of rights, but if you did, you’d have more success.

    Good luck with it though because I think the point you are making is legitimate.

    1. You make a great point on the terminology. It definitely doesn’t earn the community any generosity. I do believe people have tried to use the term “social artists” and other such euphemisms, but they never really caught on.

      On another note, your point about politicians is true, though on the other hand, generally speaking, no one really likes or trusts them because they speak so vaguely and noncommittally. In the middle, though, there’s a balance to be struck that’s both honest and non-provocative.

      1. Yes, politicians use the language to manipulate you the other way. “Freedom fries” was their most ridiculous attempt at this. But still, picking terms that are neutral is the best way.

        Maybe the best way is go through all the PUA terminology and agree to get rid of anything that suggests interaction is war and people should be inauthentic. In your Bill of Rights, you highlight authenticity (with the understanding finding your true self is a process) which would eliminate a lot of words. I think it eliminates the word “game” because it’s inauthentic unless both people are cool with using that term. Much like when I show up to see a theatre production, both the audience and the performers understand this is fake. Thus, it’s not inauthentic. It’s just not real. I the authenticity requirement would eliminate Avatar and any suggestion of building one.

        If we eliminate “war terminology” then women are no longer targets, there is no anti-slut defense, there is no wingman, and there is no blown out. (which by the way, I’ve never been. Sure I’ve been turned down a lot but I’ve never been turned down so hard I could seriously call it blown out without laughing at the term.)

        So I propose that we look at your Bill of Rights and the principles which you are using to create it to determine PUA terminology that should be abandoned. This would allow neutral PUA Terminology to survive. For instance if you call “Best Self” a PUA term, by all means, let’s keep it. It’s good. Both people inside the community and outside the community have some idea what you are talking about it and would agree it’s not a negative sentiment in anyway.

        1. Resist the word ‘game’. It’s not a game. There are real people on both sides and there are real consequences.

        2. Resist the word ‘game’. It’s not a game. These are real people and there are real consequences.

    2. Life’s a game. Heard it many times. So I don’t think saying The Game , has any bad press associated with it. Only if you let them. Which really all they’re doing is showing their position. Pawns and spectators, not gamers or players

    3. Super great point, ncperry1. Neil’s perspective on this really resonates with me, but something was off, and couldn’t put my finger on it: the terminology doesn’t line up with the values.

      Alone, the word “game” can carry some real negative, disingenuous meanings. Even “dating game” is better.

      Also, I feel the term Pick Up Artist does a real disservice to the integrity of how most guys view and engage in the social arts or dating skills. Sure, it’s about becoming good at approaching and engaging women, but to be labeled or self-label as a PUA puts the focus and importance on the picking up, implying anything else like love, camaraderie, fun or emotional connection is secondary.

  3. Neil i am a stylelife student and am very interested in the last sentence in that bill of rights which says : “Safe sex is mandatory. However, there is no such thing as safe love. It is a risk of the heart. But it is well worth the reward.”

    And my interest is how did you maintain all your previous long term relationships without having any partner get pregnant, and did succeed in having safe sex.

    Cause personally i am in a long term relationship and find it difficult and even though i use condoms, i still worry about getting my GF pregnant. eg. condom failures, since with prefect use it’s effectiveness is just 18%.

    But i also did see other pua’s who have had over 100 relationships and still didn’t get any of them pregnant by mistake.

    I am asking you this because like everything in the community i always like to rely on ACTUAL experience rather than just clinical trials and research.

      1. Thanks, i already checked it out and it’s a risk that you have to take i guess.

        There are also a lot of factors involved, and it’s something that should be talked about with the other partner, just to be clear.

        I’ve also done some research, and it’s scary what the numbers say.

        But what made me talk about it here is simply that there’s a lot of famous pua’s out there that have lots and lots of sexual relationships and yet they don’t get unintended pregnancies from their partners, it’s just a mysterious topic that i didn’t get to discuss with someone who had a lot more sexual relationships than the average man….

        Good Luck with your new book.

    1. I like “there is no safe love”
      Point 12 mentions responsibility to others.
      My slogan: “In any relationship, being faithful is the most important thing…my being faithful to me!”
      Responsibility towards others follows from that.
      Looking back, every time I dumped a girl in a bad way, it’s because at some point I had diverted from my own (call it egoistic) route.
      Goes for contraception/protection, too.
      Protect you heart and other parts!

  4. Neil, what you created here is brilliant — I wish I had written it myself. =P

    There is so much shame around men learning to improve their dating life. It’s quite sad and a few bad apples are who most pay attention to. I wish more people understood…

    You can be proactive, assertive, and honest with your intentions, while still being respectful.

    Great job on this, I shared it out and I hope many others read it. You’ve grown a lot yourself and it shows.

    1. That’s exactly it, Nick, and your words mean a lot. Just wait til the next book to see what that growth entailed. And thanks for passing it on…

  5. #10 is so true, great perspective on it, hadn’t thought of it this way. Hope this goes viral, and that the bloggers at Jezebel can see this. The problem is that everyone assumes all PUAs are alike, but like anything else, there are good ones and bad ones.

  6. Great post there Neil.

    I have started talking with some other wannabe PUA’s at my country (Chile) and I have found that many of them have a very bad approach onto all this seduction stuff, they dont want to improve as persons, they just want the easy way to get girls, even are eager to do things to girls after they are unconscious.

    I’m posting this rules at every PUA group I’m involved, it has to be our moral code and should be accepted by every member.

    Thanks for your hard work.

    PD: Sorry if I miss spell something, not a native english speaker.

  7. Neil,

    As much as I wholeheartedly concur with everything in this post, it’s a harsh taste of reality to know the mainstream will most likely go on without ever reading it. Their most time-efficient method of judging the pickup community usually involves taking the most notable or most recent disaster or controversy (in this case, Kickstarter) and appointing it as a summary of what the community stands for.

    Having personally written hundreds of thousands of words in almost 3 years worth of pro bono articles and reviews for the community, including the 2012 UPAC you spoke at, one thing I’ve learned is that happiness and acceptance are two totally different animals. Pursuing the former typically involves defying the conformity to the masses in favor of self-discovery and individuality, while the ladder is just the opposite.

    Whether it’s the decision makers of Kickstarter, the security at the Toronto Eaton Centre, or any other person or entity – why do I need their validation in order to live life the way I choose?

    Some may disagree, but I firmly believe that any person who won’t endure criticism in the pursuit of happiness and still push forward, does not deserve it.

    With that said, your writing rocks and it’s always great to hear you chime in on the community. Enjoy your holidays!

    -Nate Hananger

  8. Mr Strauss,

    You can’t give the keys to the kingdom to everyone and expect that they will handle them the same. You mentioned Mystery driving Courtney’s Porsche, while not knowing how to drive a stick. It’s the same thing. Everyone has differnt personalities and ways that they cope with the same thing. Not knowing the true motives of an audience could lead to quite a few train wrecks along the way. Even if YOUR motives were true, doesn’t always mean that your students are.

    Golden

  9. This is fucking brilliant. It is a very competent and responsible code of social ethics that does indeed apply to all genders and orientations. I agree that terminology and perhaps some syntax needs to be tweaked. Make it more inclusive and open. For indeed, these are fundamental ethical principles that should be applied across the board to all people.

  10. Picking up (no pun intended) on a comment made below by ncperry1

    This is also a question of democracy!

    When an advertiser accosts you via his posters and TV ads, he’s using openers, negging, controlling the frame, you name it. Perry says we should adopt neutral terminology, and Strauss agrees he has a point. The French don’t only make fries, they also have a great saying “Qui s’excuse, s’accuse” (He/she who appologises, accuses him-/herself).

    Being allowed to learn pickup is democratic, because it’s just us at the base trying to get what we want. Let’s go for it!!

    p.s. the guy who put up that warning was probably just jealous

  11. I like “there is no safe love”
    Based on Erich Fromms “The Art of Loving”, why not add somewhere “There is no love without SELF-love.”

    Point 12 mentions responsibility to others.
    My slogan: “In any relationship, being faithful is the most important thing…my being faithful to me!”

    Responsibility towards others follows from that!

    Looking back, every time I dumped a girl in a bad way, it’s because at some point I had diverted from my own (call it egoistic) route.

    Goes for contraception/protection, too.
    Protect you heart and other parts!

  12. 10. Do not let yourself be shamed out of trying to improve yourself.

    Let me out myself: I’m shit-scared of women. My first reaction is always fear, or at least connected to fear. A shrink once told me it could be due to remnant memories in my cells from the sperm I was conceived with. The “success” of a sperm is to create new life, but this process means the sperm itself disintegrates.

    So much for my shrink.

    Ex-shrink.

    (But still I think about it. Sometimes it helps pinpoint and drop at least part of the fear.)

    However, there’s also something else, and it isn’t said enough, so I’m going to say it now. One place where it was said, is in that movie with Josh Hartnett where he vows to abstain from Sex for 40 days. A girl tries to seduce him, not because she wants sex per se, but to restore the BALANCE OF POWER.

    Women can control a man by temporarily withholding sex!

    (See also Esther Vilar’s book The Manipulated Man. I only know the German original, but once found an English PDF in a blog called “Don’t Marry”. When the book was published, there was a veritable witch-hunt against Vilar. Debate in German with über-feminist Alice Schwarzer on youtube.)

    Why is this relevant here? Because one thing the person was doing when he put out that warning at Eaton Centre (it’s usually a he, women usually prefer to watch conflicts from a safe distance) was defending women’s monopoly on Sex!

    Don’t kill me, I’m just the messenger. Search your feelings, Luke, you’ll know it’s true.

    Men are interested primarily in looks, so, for them, cleavage is often opener enough (literally: an OPENING). Men, however, need social proof, and all that stuff we’re learning about.

    Therefore, if you operate from the premise that women not only need protection (they do), but also protection of their monopoly on sex, any effort by men to find tricks and shortcuts is an illegitimate attack!

    This applies even to those of us who have moved on to self-improvement for the sake of self (not getting laid). It takes a great woman to allow men to find their BEST SELF, and ways in which to carry that outwards in social settings…especially if you’re already in a relationship with her. It’s a threat, pure and simple.

    1. When you visit a mall, you must be protected from mind-control, violation and health hazards…
      …unless they stem from advertising, fast-food chains, or clothes made in burning Bangladeshi factories!

  13. Malls are kipple and the worst invention ever. Policed by bouncers and types of that ilk. I’m shopping for fuck sake! It’s not a nightclub. Leave me the fuck alone.

    High street shops were way better because they had no control over you, me, us. Malls have allowed us to be under someone’s else’s control as evidenced by Neil’s Bill of Rights.

    Post represents UK malls.

  14. Neil, what a high class response to the fears and threats. Your ‘The Game Bill of Rights’ is truly a valuable contribution to all men and women trying to connect and hoping to find love. Bill

  15. Neil,

    I love this idea! I also agree with much of what was said in the posts. I’d like to add two suggestions from a woman’s perspective:
    1. I love your use of “This is courtship, not war.” Perhaps calling it “Courtship Bill of Rights.” In effect, I believe proper pick up artistry is precisely that.

    2. Perhaps adding a point about not harboring resentment for the opposite sex. In reading your book and personally having been confronted with some PUAs, I found that many do hold on to much negativity toward women — whether from previous repeated rejection or for some other reason, this is simply not healthy. It doesn’t help the “truce” either.
    This applies to women just as much as to men. Sadly, there are many “manhaters” out there. They hold on to so much negativity toward men that it just causes a vicious cycle.

    Just as a side note, I’d like to add that I personally don’t see anything wrong with PUAs. For generations, women have been taught their own seduction tactics by their mothers and grandmothers. How is that any different?
    Also, I must say, an ethical PUA can certainly be a pleasure to a women and definitely beats “hey sexy, let me give you a ride.”

    Great work, Neil!

    -Olga

    1. Great points. I like courtship bill of rights better as a title. And so true: I didn’t have room for it in the document, but the really creepy “hey baby” guys out there are usually too cocky and arrogant to ever admit they have a problem and learn this stuff.

      The Ethical PUA–has a good ring to it.

      1. Thank you. I’m glad you guys like it 🙂

        “No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.”
        -Henry A. Kissinger

        So rather than look at seduction as war, look at it as a dance — a dance between two partners.
        You want to tango with a man who knows the dance and how to lead, rather than awkwardly stepping on your toes (like the socially inept men) or rubbing up on your behind (like the harassing stalker PUAs).

  16. This a pretty complex and deeper issue than just a mall banning, but let’s start with that. Malls across the country have bans for certain reasons. In my area, at one mall, ids are checked by security people to make sure the patrons are at least 18 after 5pm. This is in response to violence and other issues that are potentially threatening and could hurt business. Since malls cater mainly to women and the majority of shoppers are women, any “pua” activity (especially if it disrupts a woman’s power shopping) could cause her contact a mall dick who has no problem playing white knight. Even if you have a “smooth interaction” things can change, a women could snap out of it and things can turn bad (I know from experience).

    But lets take this a step further, and look at what’s really going on, this is really is a battle between two competing entities…sex vs consumerism. Do you think all the people at a Black Friday event fighting over a 45″ plasma tv set are getting laid? Consumerism is a surrogate for sex.

  17. The known universe is man and woman. Schools teach very little as the popular memes go, how to get a mortgage, buy a car, get a student loan etc. I read a long time ago that an Alpha female can have affect on another female’s estrous cycle. Which can explain stress creating late or missed periods and unexpected pregnancies. I’m sure this one important item is never covered in any human health classes… More later.

    This Game Bill of Rights is a tremendous piece of work. I’ll take this as a study to see if there is anything I can suggest. I’ve read the comments how the term “Game” others, can be tainting. What else can one call it? This and other positive inputs on this subject to help build relationships IS one of the most important issues of our time. Yes we’re all here to improve communications between the sexes. This type of forum is a sound foundation and should go beyond that. We barely have a grasp of where we came from. Taking our understanding of who we are now and to improve where we want to go without the intervention from a couple of Mall guards and all the other non understanding authorities.

  18. “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.”
    I think some so-called PUAs learn some openers and about negging and peacocking and that’s about it. They try to be all “alpha” and end up getting nowhere and in the process give “pick up” a bad name. Pick-up has become the butt of some satire material in TV shows for crying out loud.
    I think for the most part the seduction community is a good thing for men and women. Some coaches’ material is devoted to making small talk, banter, and conversation. Some articles are about getting to know the girl’s values. What women doesn’t welcome a man who actually knows how to converse and actually asks her about what she values in life.
    I was a quiet guy in high school and college. I had girlfriends but I wasn’t good with conversation. I wasn’t much fun really. I didn’t “lead” and I wasn’t decisive. I was needy and was the kind of guy who would say, “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” I really believe I and my girlfriends would have benefited if I’d known some so-called “game.” It’s not really even game though, it’s simply knowing how to be a strong yet compassionate person with social skills.
    If people’s images of the PUA community is simply guys trying to be alpha and play games and be manipulative to get sex (which is sometimes the case) then yes that makes it tough to defend the community.
    Some terms have come into use Like “friend zone.” Someone on line once pointed out he thought that was inaccurate. I kind of see his point. Guess what? Sometimes a girl doesn’t like you and isn’t attracted to you and it’s not because she’s a b-word or because you did something wrong like not being alpha enough. She didn’t “friend zone” you. She just isn’t attracted to you plain and simple.
    The PUA coaches make things overly complicated or confusing or contradictory at times. God forbid you show a girl some empathy or compassion or actually let her know you like her. That will just go to her head and she’ll see you as a friend and you’ll get “friend zoned.” Bull. Plenty of guys get girlfriends by doing exactly what some coaches say not to do.
    Guess what? A lot of marriages have resulted from the boring dinner and a movie date that PUA coaches tell you to avoid at all costs. As long as you don’t seriously think you can “buy” a woman’s love it’s fine.
    I saw one PUA product that divided women into different types. Oh, really. You mean I might have to approach a girl who attends church every Sunday differently than a girl whose life seems to revolve around partying. Thanks I never would have guessed that.
    I think the PUA community is great for the most part when it’s about learning to be more socially graceful and fun. Like Neil wrote once, “Winners are persons who make other feel good about themselves as opposed to wanting people to make them feel good.”
    That’s my two cents.

  19. The action of, “I’ll put down my weapon first to show you I mean no harm, and you can put down yours,” never works. The reason there is a clash of weapons is because one side or the other felt threatened and needed to protect itself from the other. So, putting down our weapons will only make us unarmed for the ambush they will unleash on us when they perceive us most vulnerable.

    That is, we will call a truce, and they will make moves to limit our freedoms, which if we call, “FOUL!” they will say that it shows our truce was insincere. They will then use that perceived insincerity to force weak willed men to join them in the hopes of beta-orbiter attention.

    We need to stand firm, declare our freedoms (which the BoR listed is a start) and be prepared to die on this hill, because it is the king of the hill that gets the princesses. We may be the 300, who inspire men who live after us, to defy tyranny and enjoy freedom, or, we may be Sergeant York and his group of 12 who captured 300 Germans in one day.

    We will not know until the smoke clears from the battle.

    But, if we surrender, we will be the Allies on the Bataan Death March. And, I sincerely hope Style is not our Douglas MacArthur who promises to return in triumph, because I can tell you, unlike the Bataan’s, I will shoot every bullet in my gun, then throw rock until all I have left is sand, then I will use my kbar until the blade snaps, then I will bite until all I have left is gums, and will punch and kick until the last drop of blood trickles out of my body. I am tired of conceding. I am ready for taking the next hill.

    I’ll lead the charge if no one else will, but don’t let me be the only one, being left out in no man’s land to be mowed down by machinegun nests.

  20. Being “more spiritual” (listed in #9) is actually quite unattractive to many people. I would not lump that in with the other chracteristics in that list, which are certainly attractive to everyone. The non-religious/spiritual cohort in this country is the largest growing “religious” group. I always interpretted The Game’s worldview to be one that encourages people to concern themselves with reality–too address our world and culture as it truly exists–as that is the best way to find true enlightenment and self-actualization. So-called spirituality only undermines this grounded worldview.

    1. I think what Neil means by spiritual is not having a specific belief system, but being less factual and analytical and able to discuss things from a more “cosmic” perspective. I know for myself all the DHVs like rune reading, the Cube, even aura reading have been better than gold.

      1. I know exactly what you’re saying and I know that many (most/almost all?) women find it attractive when a man is into astrology, spirituality, etc. I just don’t think it belongs on a list of universally attractive traits since there are many that find such rubbish unattractive. No one finds empathy, a positive outlook and the other listed traits unattractive.

  21. I love it Neill. When I surf the web looking for PUA material often Im baffled when I see blog and forum hold by real…cretins who are obsessed in getting laid at all cost with the largest number of women, than understanding what PUAism really is. PUA is not only about picking up women , its about changing yourself to fit the challenges the dating world offers you and the life in general.
    Instead I often stumble in quasi porn, quasi rape, quasi psycho’s….annoying. I like to say to these people, if you hate women and you are only concerned in f*ck everything thats female with no consideration whatsoever…then sorry mate. But you deserve to be alone. And stop posing as a PUA because you give us a really bad name.

    Its not without reason that there is lots of hostility surrounding the PUA topic, not only from feminist’s but from almost everywhere. But how to blame them? seriously. This was not was the GAME was about. In the book we saw Neil working hard to change himself, showing dedication and hard work his failures and in the end it payed. Not just a quasi stalker pretending to be a porn star.

    Neill honestly speaking, im grateful for this. It is most needed. Beside I also think we need some kind of trademark. Only people who has undergone a real PUA education with REAL pua’s should be allowed to use the title. So we can filter out all the fakers, trolls and psycho’s that infest our community. Time to do a clean up!

    Again thank you

    1. Agreed, great points and perspective. AFCAdam and I often talk about this. There should be some sort of independent, non-affiliated certification process that coaches and companies have to go through.

      1. The only certs we need are that someone we trust says someone knows that they are doing. Anything beyond that turns into control, and I will rebel against it. Once certs get created, the certification will get corrupted. I want no part of that.

  22. This is an excellent set of guidelines for responsible behavior but I think it’s subject to a long standing insensitivity. PUA communities are feared and disparaged not just because of their worst examples but for many subtle attitudes beginning with the name.

    The term “Pick Up Artist” is automatically received as intimidating and sleazy. People in general, and especially single women, are afraid of being used or abandoned. Even in name, a PUA’s primary talent is in first contact and early stages of a relationship. There’s no perceived security or value in one night stands and momentary affairs. While a PUA is admired by men who find interaction with women difficult, women are rightfully afraid of manipulation.

    Those of us that recognize that there’s more to life than getting laid would be well advised to find some alternative to the term “PUA” and begin emphasizing the deeper aspects of social interaction and self improvement.

    1. Well said, and I think this is the crux of it. Social Artist has been the leading alternative. Someone in this discussion thread also suggested calling it courtship instead of pickup, which I think is very accurate. It is simply modern-day courtship. My friend Jordan calls it charm school, which I also like.

      1. Obviously, I’m in agreement with this thinking. I call it charm instead of game more often than anything.

  23. Neil,

    First of all i think it’s great to put it down in simple steps. It makes it easier to get viral, and not only getting known, but also followed.
    As others, i think that we probably should abstract from calling the The Game Bill of Right, in continuation of rule #10, calling it a game in public i wouldn’t blame the girls for feeling marginalized. Maybe something like gentlemen’s bill of rights (even though it also neglects the girls in their part. It’s a working title proposal 🙂 )

    Even though this is written with mens interaction with women, maybe it’s worth considering the interaction of two with the same sex. By this is mean it’s not uncommon to see men trying to degrade other mens confidence, or even try to make them screw up. A pattern we also see with women. Maybe this is not the place to talk about this, but i think it’s worth considering.

  24. Neil,

    First, I would like to make an observation: Now that you have decided to get more actively involved in reading and responding to the comments on this web-site, you are getting much more traffic & involvement. BRAVO.

    This brings me to my second point: The application of focused effort, along with the allocation of valuable resources PRODUCES superior results in EVERY type of endeavor. Why should modern courtship be any different?

    THIRD: Call a spade a spade… Men are training to go out and get laid with beautiful women. WOMEN is the plural form of “woman”. In the words of the dark lord Mystery, “focus on the many”.

    PICKUP artists are EXACTLY what the community produces… They are not training to be a saints, and there will never be any churches named after them.

    #14 – We shall not pretend like we are benevolent saints, we just wanted to get laid.

    PS – When you show me your tits, does my dick not get hard? Just because I am better at math than the others are doesn’t make me any less of a man.

    PPS – Do men need to be warned that women in the mall are wearing a lot of cosmetics?

  25. You should pitch article to, I don’t know, NYT or HuffPo or some mainstream site. Here, you’re mostly preaching to the choir.

  26. Neil, what do you think of PUAs who study women manipulation to get them for sex and then leave them broken afterwards?

    1. haha, wow, loaded question much? What do you think of women who study manipulation and leave men broken afterwards?

      My guess is that you would give the same answer to both the male and female version of that question. (both are wrong and the bad actions of some people do not stand as judgement for the entire gender)

  27. The name I have used and am very fond of is “Social Spirituality.” I’ve always believed that you do better in social situations when you truly love yourself and everything you are about. Inner confidence comes from doing what you like to do and focusing on your inner self. Women seem to appreciate and value men who do what they like to do and don’t apologize for their interests or personality. The more you love yourself, and the less you care about what other people think about you, the easier it is to interact with the opposite sex. People who follow their own rules have a sort of magnetism!

  28. Nice, but seriously when r u going to upgrade this website so I don’t have to log in just to read things. i would share a lot of these things on Facebook if it didn’t always ask everyone to log in.

  29. I haven’t gone through and read all of the comments, so this point may have already been addressed. My concern is lies in 6a. “As the one who is approaching, do not make others uncomfortable, harass them, touch them without permission, or be dishonest with them.”

    Does this amendment eliminate the use of the neg? By it’s very nature the neg is designed to make people feel a little uncomfortable or take them down a notch.

  30. There’s an expression in politics: “Control the language, control the debate”. In the PUA realm, this might mean getting away from the unique vocabulary and switching to words and phrases that are better understood.

    In my blog, I’ve gotten away from the word “Game” and moved towards “learned charisma”, “increased attractiveness”, and “social skills”.

    A descriptive phrase is far more effective than single-word jargon.

  31. Wonderful. Thanks, Neil, for doing what (to my knowledge) others gurus don’t — namely, keeping everything positive, moral, and focusing on overall self improvement as well as inner game. This is exactly why I follow Your posts, as opposed to many other gurus.

  32. The above is great. But there are two things missing IMO:

    1. A statement that the needs of men and women are radically different. Men seduce, and women want to be seduced. Remember that feminism victimizes woman far more than it does men (i.e. a whole generation of women taught to be ashamed of their ambition to be nothing more that a good wife, housekeeper and mother). See http://www.amazon.com/The-Privileged-Sex-Martin-Creveld/dp/1484983122 I know of only two countries where women pick up men just as often as the other way around: Sweden and Iceland. In female psychology there is a need to want to believe that romance happens automatically, and therefore they wish to deny that romance can’t happen without male initiative/PUA. Women often are not aware of this, and want to have their cake and eat it too. Many a woman will complain when a nice guy she doesn’t dig approaches here respectfully and the next time around she’ll complain that this cute guy didn’t do anything. We must explain that PUA not only benefits men, but also women.

    2. In line with this, I would suggest you make this not something about rights for PUA but about rights for both men and women. I would team up with a group of women (there are a few female members in the society, for example) to get their take on this. It’s also about a women’s right to enjoy men who are PUA. And on the other hand their right not to be harassed by PUA’s. You do address this in point 5, but my point is that the whole bill is still written from our male perspective as a defense against feminist thinking. And you should reverse that to make it a bill of rights for both men and women against both male bashed thinking and male chauvinistic pig thinking. And you could include the idea that a woman who likes to look nice and flirt and have sex is a slut. You refer to that in 7, but it is too general.

    On one hand the thing has to be broadened to include both male rights and women’s rights. On the other hand you must distinguish in the whole text between men and women, because one can never understand this bill without proper allowance for the fact that the whole problem comes from not accepting crucial differences between men and women. Can you imagine a 19th century woman against PUA? That men were PUA was taken for granted back then, and the very need for PUA stems from our culture’s misguided attempt to equate men and women. Just as affirmative action stems from our culture’s misguided attempt to equate the races (see http://www.amazon.com/Bell-Curve-Intelligence-Structure-Paperbacks/dp/0684824299 ). Even more broadly, all these modern problems are caused by an attack on truth itself. But I digress. The problem of being seen a slut when flirting and looking nice is a problem for women. The problem of men being seen as preying pigs is a problem for men. You can’t address these without specific reference to the different roles men and women have in the seduction process.

    The point is to combine the rights of decent respectful PUA’s, with the rights that women who are afraid of PUA’s worry about. And to support the idea that harrassing AFC would be PUA’s are not appropriate. In other words, not see this bill as rights as something to oppose those afraid of PUA, and to defend our rights as men against infringements by women, but to incorporate the aspects of the witchhunt which do make sense (i.e. agressive harassing PUA is not good). Combine it with initiatives such as:
    http://www.ywcaofmissoula.org/?q=node/44 or http://www.flirtation.nl

    You mentioned before that the word PUA may not be a good idea. Perhaps social engineering would be better, but I dislike that word too because it suggests people can be engineered and manipulated with social tricks. Perhaps a word which refers to flirting, and which does not refer to men specifically, but refers to the enjoyment both men and women have with the conventional, or even evolution determined, tradition of men taking initiative and women enjoying the attention. In the Netherlands there is a group calling themselves Masterflirt,nl and they call their PUA students master flirters.Still not ideal as it refers mostly to the men doing the flirting, as they take the initiative being the flirt masters.

    Come to think of it, maybe I’m wrong and maybe women take initiative too, although more subtly. Women take hours putting up makeup, dress attractively, and try to hint at the guys they like by the way they look and behave, and then hope they will be approached. So this would give you a clue to the women’s rights part of this whole equation. They have the right to dress in a short dress without being harassed, for example. And as for what you need to do to be attractive, again below you state only what men have to do. For women being interesting and spiritual are not the main things, though they help. For women the main thing is attending to their appearance, and just being nice.

    So get away from the anything suggesting that PUA might be men taking advantage of women. Isn’t that idea an insult to women? And should this bill not focus more a a woman’s right to be seduced as opposed to a men’s right to seduce? As if women are so childish they need protection against random strangers trying to pick them up in exchange for….in exchange for what exactly? As if a woman who is picked up doesn’t want it just as much as the guy, as if they are childlike prey easily taken advantage of. Perhaps a bill of romantic rights would be best. Romance has a positive ring to it for men as well as women.

  33. Hi Neil,

    #4 and #5 are the only “rights” on this list. most of the other content is in support of those two.

    you might do to this list what George Carlin did with the 10 commandments.

    simple is better.

    many women work on every part of themselves.

    men of the community, mirror this approach.

    We are not women haters and exploiters, because clearly men of that type . . . are NOT trying to improve themselves.

    We are a cult of self improvement before we are anything else.

    The desire to love and be loved. is simply the kingpin of motivation that sets us on this path.

    thanks Neil

    your the best

  34. I am new to this site, and what I am about to ask is not related to the topic posted here, but im not sure where else I can write this, and get a responce. I recently had a new roomate move in, and his ex is trying to get him back. I convinced his ex to hang out with me on New Years eve, and my roomate was not with us. I think that she was just hanging out with me to make him jelous. My roomate does not want to get back with her and gave me the green light. We had a lot of fun that night, dancing drinking, we even made out at midnight. We went back to my house and were kissing some more. Then she said I had to wait a month she’s not gonna put out right away yada yada yada. I tried the advice in the book the game by turning the lights on not being mad ect.. but no luck. Im pretty sure we would have hooked up if she new that I wouldnt tell my roomate. I explained that sex was a private thing and I asked her not to tell anyone if we did. I texted her a couple of times and she has not responded back. I am not to woried about this particular girl, but I was just wondering what I could have done diffrently in case this happens again. Any advice would be much apreciated thank you.

    p.s We hang out a couple of times and she always trys to have me hold all of her thing phone, keys cigerates.. im pretty sure I shouldent be holding all her stuff willingly, but was wondering how to aprouch that also. Thanks

  35. –This is terrific. Especially #9. I’d beam that into everyone’s skull if I could. And by that, I mean everyone, ever, all the time, all over the world.

  36. This is really sad. There are too many double standards and I cannot fathom why it’s a big deal or even an issue for men to meet about this. Ignorance breeds contempt and sociologically speaking it becomes easy for others to jump on the bandwagon without educating themselves.
    When my boys were toddlers and I could not understand why they loved to jump off things and other boyish behavior, I did not try to change them. I went on a mission to educate myself so as I could be a better parent. In my quest I found a wonderful author and read all his books. This opened my world and enabled me to be a better mother and also a better woman I think.

  37. Neil,
    I completely agree with all that u wrote and while u said u didn’t want to defend the community some guys come into this life with an alterior motive bc of a past hurt or relationship gone bad and treat the women bad. I’m not attacking them at all what I’m saying is that this is an art and not so much a game bc a game has a winner and a loser and let’s face it – No one wants to b the latter!!! Thank u for all ur help over the years.

    Simon Sharp

  38. Great article Neil! I just stumbled across this and totally agree!
    From a woman’s perspective there is nothing wrong with a guy trying to meet you out and about in everyday situations.
    All that I ask is that he be respectful!

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