The Top 11 Things I Learned From Pickup

Neil StraussNeil, The Game22 Comments

I wanted to  share something I wrote recently, when I was asked to put together a list of ten lessons I’ve learned while studying and teaching the game.

I think the following may be useful to many of you doing the Stylelife Challenge or otherwise learning this stuff, and may cut down some of your learning time. For those of you who’ve only read Emergency, this may be a little less useful. Though it is most certainly a survival skill.

Some of these ideas we’ve discussed before. Some we haven’t. So here they are, plus one extra lesson I just added just now.

Eleven Pick Up Epiphanies

  1. What you look like doesn’t matter. But how you present yourself does.
  2. Nobody is judging you. They’re too busy worrying about what you think of them. So instead of seeking her approval, give her yours. Then take it away. Then give it to her again. This is called flirting.
  3. Women do actually like nice guys. They just don’t like weak guys. So you can still be nice. But you must also be confident–in yourself, your opinions, and your worthiness and value in the world. In order for a woman to be with you, she needs to feel safe with you.
  4. It’s not enough to just be yourself. You must be your best self.
  5. There’s a thin but important line between being horny and being sexual. A horny man hits on a woman before she’s attracted to him. A sexual man waits until she’s attracted to him.
  6. Just because you’re interacting doesn’t mean you’re attracting. Learn to recognize the difference between politeness and interest.
  7. To win the heart of a woman, you often have to be willing to risk losing her.
  8. When a girl who you went on a date with in the past and who suddenly disappeared on you calls out of the blue, it generally means one thing – so call back right away before she finds someone else to be with that night.
  9. Always call a woman the day after sleeping with her and make her feel good about having let go with you–even if you don’t want to see her again or she doesn’t want to see you again. Don’t ruin her for other guys.
  10. Don’t look to your friends or family for approval as you learn the game. They may like you just the way you are, but not always for the right reasons. With some “friends,” this is because when you start looking better, feeling more confident, and succeeding more than they do, you often end up reminding them of their own inadequacies and lack of growth.
  11. Finally, to quote the wisdom of Canadian hockey player Wayne Gretzky, “You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.” So simply by approaching a woman and saying something, no matter how badly you may bumble, you’ve dramatically increased your odds of being with her.

Hope this is helpful to some of you.

Talk Soon,

P.S. On an unrelated note, someone recently sent me a link to a series of experiments that provide further evidence of the concept of social proof we often discuss:

Evidently, a team of scientists exposed female mice to odors of either a male mouse alone or a male mouse with a female. And the females consistently preferred the scent of males linked to other females. “Our data suggest that female mice may use, or even copy, the interests of other females based on olfactory cues,” said one of the scientists. “It could also be seen as a female trusting the mate choice of another female.”

So, obviously, the message is, rub a female mouse on you before going out. It’ll work. Science has proven it.


22 Comments on “The Top 11 Things I Learned From Pickup”

  1. Rubbing a female mouse on yourself before going out….
    does that allude to using female perfume, or surrounding yourself with women, so that other women get jealous and try to pull your attention towards them?

    1. Dead on, yes. I was trying to make an uninterested girl jealous and just happened to have (coincidently) a female mouse in my shirt pocket when I met my fiancée.

  2. I loved the evolutionary psychology tidbit. There’s a growing backlash against evolutionary psychology of late (incidentally, comprised mostly of women), so I particularly enjoyed hearing about that new study.

    #2 really hit home well– it is so easy to get paralyzed with self-analysis in social interactions, and even easier to forget that other people are subject to the same human insecurities that we are. Thank you for that reminder.


  3. Could you – or anyone really – explain the line between flirting and hitting on a woman? Maybe I’m just digging too deep but 2 and 5 have a bit of a grey area between them for me.

    1. Flirting and Hitting are the same thing! If anyone makes any difference, it must be that flirting is more discrete and hitting is a little more direct, obvious… Was that your doubt?

  4. I’ve noticed too that if I’m either talking with a girl in I just met or picking them up on a first date, they definitely always comment if they can catch a hint of another girls perfume on me or in my truck……. I always wondered but have never tested wether a hint of perfume or even a more fruity cologne would subconciously make a girl feel a little more competative or not.

  5. Nobody told me there were eleven commandments and not ten!

    Why worry about seeing in field footage when you can make your own 🙂

  6. I like the list! I think ill look at this list just to make sure I’m still on track thanks neil!!

  7. I must say, I was smiling and nodding at each point, as it’s corroborated what I’ve read and experianced so far. I shall refrain, however, from keeping an occupied mouse-friendly pouch on my person. Imagine being caught, giving yourself a rub-down… Would be a bloody nightmare.

  8. As to rubbing on the eau de rodentia, I once heard that some women apply a touch of their own “cream” under their perfume and swear by it. Now I have no idea if said cream would help a brother out but the donor, she’d have to be one helluva friend!

  9. #4,7,10, and 11 are just principals of leadership which all men must know to be successful in any pursuit. #8 I can just tell came from personal experience. #2 is just wrong, people are judging you, all the time, the thing is though that they do so out of personal insecurity. If your own insecurities are out in the open, and you appreciate yourself for who you are, strengths and weaknesses, then judgement doesn’t phase you. #3 and 4 are grossly oversimplified. and #6 is crucial, by far the best point here.

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