Rules Of The Game – The Top 11 Mistakes Men Make When Approaching Women

Neil StraussNeil21 Comments

A few readers on Facebook asked for “The 11 Commandments.” I told them I’d get them online for posterity, though of course they also appear in Rules of the Game. These are the guidelines for approaching that led to countless adventures during The Game, so I hope they do the same for you.

Since The Game, and the commercialization of the community, there has been a big push for “direct game.” However, it’s important to never be a guy who says he “only” does direct game or indirect game. As soon as someone says that, I know they’re an amateur. Different situations call for different approaches: If she’s already attracted to you, you can go direct. If she’s not yet attracted, go indirect and create attraction first. And remember, The Game is designed for approaching the highest-quality people in the room, the ones you formerly thought were out of your league—but you’ll soon find out after a little experience that they’re not. No one is.


  1. Don’t wait to approach her until she’s alone. Even if she likes you, her friends will soon drag her away.
  2. Don’t stare at her for more than three seconds before approaching. Hesitate, and you’ll either creep her out or psych yourself out.
  3. Don’t be afraid to approach just because there are men in the group. Chances are she’s with family, friends, or co-workers, not a love interest.
  4. Don’t open a conversation by apologizing. Phrases like “Excuse me,” “Pardon me,” and “I’m sorry” make you sound like a beggar.
  5. Don’t hit on her or give her a generic compliment. Instead, start a conversation with an entertaining anecdote or question, such as asking the group to suggest names for a three-legged cat or a store that sells 70s memorabilia. It may sound corny, but everyone loves to give an opinion.
  6. Don’t buy her a drink. You shouldn’t have to pay for her attention.
  7. Don’t touch or grab her right away. If she touches you, say, with a smile, “Hey now, hands off the merchandise.”
  8. Don’t lean in or hover over her. Stand up straight and, if the music’s too loud or she’s seated, simply speak up.
  9. Don’t initially ask what her name is, what she does for a living, or where she’s from. She’s bored of talking about the same things with every new guy she meets.
  10. Don’t focus all your attention on her when she’s with other people. If you win her friends over, you’ll win her.
  11. Don’t be afraid to disobey any of these guidelines once you understand them and why they exist.

21 Comments on “Rules Of The Game – The Top 11 Mistakes Men Make When Approaching Women”

    1. Leaning in on her can make you come off as needy, which is the number one turnoff for high value women.

      1. That’s your cue not to lean in, but to bring her or the set to a more quiet area of the bar/club/party.

        Every problem is an opportunity.

    2. I’ll either make a playful gesture that I can’t hear her, which will make her either speak louder or lean in herself.

  1. I have another one. Recognize and Understand your own worth, without being cocky. A high performance vehicle doesn’t need to sell itself to buyers. One would feel less nervous, if at all, knowing that no matter the set, it’s all good and it’s going to stay that way. It also eases approach anxiety knowing that she’s not out of your league.

  2. I made a mistake myself last day at the gym (#5) , was this girl a brunette, beautiful, I approached her and I kept good distance, I did not get too close, and I said ” How many heads have you turn out today ?” Why?, she said. and I reply ” Because of your beauty ” and she made and ugly expression to me. I guess she throw me a neg. surely I need more practice….

    1. You approached, and that’s a big step. And you learned from it, an even bigger step. You are officially on the road to mastery, so be proud of yourself.

  3. Once Answered a woman back in the club rather quiet but enough that the girl next to me heard it and laughed. Got the IoI from my target when she leaned in closed and asked, “What did you say…Say it again PLEASE! (with a little pout). Knew that I was headed in the right direction!

  4. Where can I find interesting psychology topics to approaching girls in a club, gym, or in the super market.

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