I want to share with you one of the biggest lessons I learned in the last month.
It’s something I’ve been trying to figure out since I first started teaching workshops, and noticing that some people excelled while others got nowhere — even though they were both putting in the same amount of work.
There was a piece missing that no one was teaching. Here’s how I found it:
A PUA I’d met on my last book tour did a massive favor for me. He’s a sweet, good-hearted guy who has been in the community for years, knows every routine (even listens to them over and over on his iPod), goes out sarging nearly every night, and yet is still a virgin.
So in exchange for all the heroic work he’d done, I flew him to Los Angeles for a weekend to examine his game and find his Achilles’ Heel.
I eventually found it, and it turned out to be such an epiphany that I made it one of the assignments in the Stylelife Challenge in Rules of the Game (see Day 16).
Here is the key distinction:
The guy who fails at the game is the one who goes out looking for women to make him feel good about himself.
The guy who succeeds at the game is the one who goes out and makes other people feel good about themselves.
This first type of guy, no one wants to be around. He is needy. He is insecure. He is reaction-seeking. He will suck your energy dry in his selfish quest for your validation and approval.
This second type of guy is easy to be with. He radiates charisma and positive energy. You enjoy his company, as do your friends, and you want him around all the time. You trust him, feel comfortable with him, end up at his house at 5 a.m. wondering where all that time went.
Both guys do and say the exact same things but get a very different reaction from women because of the intent they are communicating.
WAIT a minute, you may say: What about negs? Their use seems to contradict this idea of making people feel good about themselves.
When you give a woman who’s often hit on a generic compliment, she will usually either ignore the remark or assume you’re saying it because you want to sleep with her.
When you tease her and show her that you’re unaffected by her beauty and demonstrate that you’re out of her league – and THEN let her work to win you over and ultimately REWARD her with your approval, she will leave that night feeling good about herself. Like something special happened and she connected with somebody who appreciates her for who she REALLY is.
In short, a neg will buy you the credibility you need to sincerely compliment her later.
That said, I don’t necessarily advocate negs; they are in many ways a temporary patch to stick onto your personality while you learn to possess real confidence and strength of character.
So, to drive this all home, here’s an assignment I gave the guys in the Stylelife Challenge: Your mission this week is to make five people feel better about themselves – with no thought as to how you come across in the process.
This can include anything from telling a parent how much you appreciate them; to making an awkward guest at a party feel wanted and included; to telling a person who just blew a lot of money on a car/outfit/haircut how cool it looks; to giving a homeless person eye contact, smiling, and handing them five dollars.
Start developing an instinct for what someone needs to feel good about themselves and their choices, and stop worrying about what they think of you.
Pretty soon, it’ll become a habit, and you’ll be a social magnet forced to sign up for Half Your Dating seminars to stop your cell phone from ringing all the time.
In Your Corner,
P.S. Did I mention how charismatic you look today? And I love that thing you did just now. Keep it up!
P.P.S. After spending the weekend in L.A. and discussing the ideas above, the PUA with the former Achille’s Heel sent me the following email: “The other night, it was my 26th birthday. I was chatting up a four-set using the positive ideas we’d discussed, and one of them started groping me.
Next thing you know, hardcore tonguedown makeout.
First time ever – yay!”