Learn The Rules Of The Game: Rule Three

Neil StraussThe Game25 Comments

You Are Too Proud to Beg

If you’ve ever been approached by a beggar, chances are that you didn’t take him home with you.

Yet when most men approach women, they come on like a beggar.

In order to master the walk-up – the part of the pickup that strikes terror in the hearts of most of us — before you even open your mouth, there are a few things you need to remember in order to avoid rejection.

Within the first few seconds of seeing you, a woman has passes judgment on you. And it is a very simple judgment: yes or no. In order to get a yes, there are three key points to remember that separate you from a beggar.

The first is to smile when you approach. Even if it a grin doesn’t come naturally, force it. The reason: it predisposes the woman you’re about to engage to respond positively. A strange man approaching can be a scary thing. When a scowling man walks up to a car and asks for change, chances are that a driver is not going to roll down the window.

The next key point is to come in with equal or slightly higher energy level than the woman or group you’re about to talk to. Most people are out at night to have fun. So if you’re someone who can add to their fun, you’ll be welcomed into the group. However, if you’re bringing them down or making them strain to listen to or understand you, it doesn’t matter what you say – they’re going to try to get rid of you as soon as possible.

Finally, when you open your mouth, don’t begin by saying “I’m sorry,” “excuse me,” or “pardon me but…” Sure, your family raised you to be polite, but starting a conversation this way makes you sound like you’re about to ask for change.

Where men are generally attracted to beauty, women are generally attracted to status. And a man of high status never apologizes for his presence


Next Week: The Time Constraint



25 Comments on “Learn The Rules Of The Game: Rule Three”

  1. I’ve noticed that, even if you come in, feel like you’re interrupting their conversation, they usually don’t take it that way if you enter using the points above. Before the Game, I was always that guy who would hover outside a group, until someone turned to acknowledge me, and then I’d apologise for the intrusion. Thanks Neil for inventing the third kind of guy – the one who can learn to be great!

  2. I REALLY NEED TO CONTACT NEIL STRAUSS,Its NOT about money,its something deeper then that.
    How can I contact Neil ?????

    1. If your mouse has a scroll wheel, give it about 3 full revolutions in the upward direction, there, you’ll see a ‘Contact’ Tab, click, and voila 🙂

  3. The part that sticks out to me is when you say come in with equal or slightly higher energy level than the woman or group you are going to talk to. I had an Aha! moment when you first mentioned it a while back but good to see you keep bringing it up because it IS a highly important factor if you want to stay on top of your game.

    PS. It’s very weird to read this because last night I had a dream that I ended up in a train with a group of German soldiers (male and female) who had an attractive girl with them and she looked at me as I approached and I clearly remember the very thought of “keep ur energy level higher than theirs” crossing my mind. It ended very swell but its better to use in reality rather than dreams : )

    1. On the other hand, that’s visualization: And it’s good training for reality. In fact, your dream may be the very definition of unconscious competence 😉

      1. Neil I’m in college, and I’m supposed to take a “social” subject. Since there is no “cold reading” subjects, what should I take? If I want to learn how to read peoples bodies.

        1. I’d be surprised if your uni had a course called “body language, though knife is correct in his aim. Look for something like “Interpersonal Communications.” It’s an excellent start for understanding “cold reads” because it factors in the theory of the “why’s” behind person to person comms, as much as it factors in the “what’s.”

          That being said, once you feel like you’ve got a solid grasp on the “why,” focus on the “what” as it’s a lot easier to change.

        2. Kinesiology maybe?? not 100% if it would help, but a friend of mine done a touch of it and it sounded like something that would be useful.

  4. I really enjoy these posts. They are great reading and it must appeal to my style of learning. These things stick(haven’t had a dream about thou), but things pups up when I’m out. After reading “introducing NLP” i finally feel like I’m getting to my inner self. Especially Framing has been a real revelation for me. And i think that is what this post also shows. Going in with a smile and a slightly higher energy level is a way of grabbing control of the frame, making your frame more fun to be in, and they are more likely to follow. I’ve tried this just last night after reading it. All of a sudden I had a small crowd around me, people I never meet. Giving be drinks and such(this was before I told them it was my birthday, that was a cool boost to the situation by the way!).
    I also got to try something els I read somewhere on these boards. It was the Line: “my mother just raised me well”.
    I took a girl out for pool before heading into town(great game for Kino escalation, especially if the girl is bad at the game). As I said earlier, some of the things i read from here just pups up, so I remembered to put that line in the mix, and later the “Note to self, don’t date this girl” while pretending to writing in my hand(also I live in Denmark, so the language barrier truly doesn’t exist!). It wasn’t much later I felt the moment and went for the Kiss(also a great point served just right by mr. Neil!). Guess I just wanted to share one of the best nights out using what I have learned and gathered since reading “The Game” a few month back. Looking forward to the next post.


  5. th comparison with a beggar is a great way to drive home the point! I remember exactly how I feel when I sit iin my car at the red light and the beggar approaches me shaking his coffee cup. An emotional experience I can relate to, a teaching point that sticks!

  6. in case of street approach, isn,t its better to start conversation with excuse me or not… wat you think guys?

    1. Agreed SNY. The difference in a street approach is, you generally have to “stop” a person, or get the attention of a person, were most people are focused in getting elsewhere(in the case of a main street). So there the social-function of “excuse me” etc, is to get the attention to ask simple questions. And of course your appearance is also noticed a bit more in the daylight.
      To sum up. I agree 😛

      1. This has been covered elsewhere but bears repeating. Don’t try to stop anyone in the street, walk ahead, look back over your shoulder and in a confident voice launch your opener. Don’t throw an “excuse me” or a “sorry” at the start. You’re not sorry, you’re about to bring interest and excitement into their day. Instead use an assured, “hey/hello/say, I was just….”

  7. I swear, no matter how much someone reads these same tips about how to approach, they should never stop. These things keep me in check like a mofo. What helps me get the energy going is talking to fat chicks or dudes or whoever i’m not interested in talking to in order to get energetic and warmed up before i approach any females that are decent looking.

  8. Presence is definitely a huge factor.

    One of my friends is a shortish indian fellow (we are mostly white Australians), yet he has one of the most prominent personalities out of the entire social circle. At a party two weeks ago, I was talking in a group of guys and girls civilly. He approaches the group between two girls, puts his arms around them and exclaims: “Biitcchhezzzzz!”

    This gentlemen, is presence, but not displayed effectively – at least for our aims (presuming your aims are similar to mine). Despite full marks for confidence, his criteria in charm and class had been branded a red hot ‘F’.

    It is important not to pour too much ‘cockiness’ into your confidence or else the mixture may be unpleasant.

    1. Hmm. That’s pretty funny example but it seems like your little buddy may have gotten away with it because that approach took on an air of being “one of them.” Seems like something a gay guy would do.

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