Let me guess, you’ve spent lots of time and effort in the dating education milieu and you’re not yet receiving the level of success you feel you should have. I hear ya! I was right there, too. I went out, used lines, opened sets, got numbers, got turned down, called numbers, had dates, failed dates, had great women, had crazy women, enjoyed lovely relationships, learned a LOT from women, went out more, screwed up with great women, escaped crazy women, etc.
You’re already way ahead of the vast, VAST majority of men out there who’ve never taken a millisecond to improve themselves, or who think they have it all down (and are headed for a rude awakening), or who’ve given up on love altogether. No, my good men, you are in the minority. And the good news is, you’re already doing the hard part. By getting out there over and over, you’re gaining “court time.” Just keep shooting at the basket.
The part that’s missing is the “head game.” You have to be in control of what’s between your ears before you can go to bat with what’s between your legs. If you’re stuck with nothing to say after your initial pickup, or at a loss after a date or three, you simply have more work to do. There’s no shortcut to perfection and success! Here are some things that can trip you up and solutions to help you through them.
You’re just not that into her.
So she’s attractive and somewhat interesting. She seems to be initially into you, she shows all the signs. You’ve made her laugh, she’s opened up to you, things are good. But then it all starts to falter. You just can’t seem to keep her attention. You start to get frustrated. She feels this and starts to smell desperation. You know it’s happening, you know how to correct it, but for some reason your game just isn’t there for you tonight. It happens. But it would never happen to the PUA gods! Yes, yes it can and I’ll bet, has, for every one of them. Everyone has an off night. And one of the numerous reasons may be that you’re not being congruent with who you are and what you really want.
What if you’re into tall Nordic blondes with large breasts, and the girl you’re talking to is a short, petite Asian girl with small breasts? The attraction inside of you won’t be the same. Therefore, the level of intensity will be lessened. Your head won’t be in the game. So when the conversation dwindles, you won’t have the same incentive to continue. After a few failed attempts, you just don’t give a crap and you may decide your evening will be better spent at home watching Battlehard Galasstica with a nice Cabernet.
Solution: You may be forcing the wrong ideals on yourself. If you’re truly looking for the one right woman for you, as most of us eventually do, maybe you’re simply in the wrong venue. Don’t hit the bars with the intent of finding her. You need to put yourself in a place where the possibility of attracting the right lady has some very serious potential. You like dancing? Take lessons, go dancing, take a dance cruise. By the way, ladies LOVE a MAN who can dance, just FYI. You like to cook, like me? Take classes, go to Foodie events, or get your Food Game on and ask her back to your place and cook for her. Utilize what you enjoy and who you are to your advantage! If you want one nighters, fine, go get ’em. If you want more, change your venue and outlook. You will most definitely have something in common, and you’ll be excited to share. You’ll be into her because she’s what you’re looking for in the first place.
You’re not interesting.
Sorry, pal, but this might be true. Many people think that they live adventurous and interesting lives. And to them, they may very well be. Some folks just go along to get along and are boring as hell. But, again, to them, it’s their life. Don’t you dare call them boring! But they ARE! And sadly, you may be too. No one cares about your Simpsons collection, vintage post WWII hand-woven beer steins, or that you do birdcalls out your butt. Women want excitement! And if they don’t sense it—or the possibility of it—from you, they don’t want to be with you!
Caveat: I have a very peculiar situation in that I have a following in the voiceover world for the work I do in video games, animation, and Japanese Anime. I’ve given my relationship/dating talk to thousands at conventions dedicated to just Anime, and I inevitably get asked the question of where to meet women. I say, “Look around you! You’re surrounded by people interested in exactly the same things you are, ya bonehead!” They’re already interesting to all these women that are right in front of them. And yes, believe it or not, these conventions nowadays have some hotties attending! So be cognizant of your situation.
Solution: Do things that are interesting, and you’ll become more interesting. Get out there and experience life! Learn interesting skills, see amazing sights, study women and their desires. Read a romance novel or two and see what women are expecting. SOOO many women read those things and that feeds their imagination. You don’t have to look like the cover model to make them feel like the woman on the cover. When you can talk about faraway places, exotic foods, or any of the things surrounding the world of adventure, you’re instantly more attractive. And when you speak of these things with PASSION, she’ll sense that you might just take her along for the ride.
You have no confidence.
This is a HUGE one. Women find confidence attractive, above all. This separates the MEN from the boys, for sure. When you have confidence, it doesn’t matter what you say. And when a woman shoots you down, you don’t care. You know that it’s simply a numbers game, and there are tons of women out there who dig you. She just wasn’t one of them. Big deal. NEXT!
You see, most of the infamous and amazing PUA’s out there have studied really REALLY hard! They went out every night, made thousands of approaches, failed numerous times, got back up and went swinging away at it again until they were excellent at what they do. There is a 1% in the Dating world too, and we should all strive to be in it! Just like the best athletes, the “A” students in class, and all those business executives who worked their asses off to get where they are. They are the best of the best of the best. Can you be that good? Absolutely! Just pay their price, possibly more, possibly less. But pay you must. And the toll goes far beyond the introductory world of simple “pickup.”
I’ve had epiphanies a few times in my life. And they’ve all happened when I realized that I was damn good at what I do! Granted, they’ve happened after years of training in various pursuits, but there always comes a day when it just hits me. I suddenly realize that I have “arrived.” I am knowledgable, masterful, and talented. At that very second, all desperation ceases. For example, I can walk into any room and audition for an acting role or voiceover and know that I will be good at what I’m doing. Whether they like and/or hire me is of no concern to me. I’m happy doing what I do, I give it 100%, and the rest is out of my hands. I leave the room and forget I was ever there. NEXT!
Solution: You must cultivate that same “I don’t care” attitude, regardless of outcome. You’re in the process right now. Enjoy the process. You’re auditioning every time you open. Detach yourself from the outcome. Have no expectations, just enjoy the interaction. No matter what happens, you’ve done your best with what you had at the time. If they don’t like you, do what I do: Smile, wish them the best, and say, “Okay, but when I walk away, you’re not allowed to look at my butt.” Then walk on. NEXT!
Confidence takes time. Don’t rush it. When you get frustrated, and you will, don’t take it out on the ladies. Realize your mistake, correct it, try again, and eventually you’ll have your epiphany. But you must have patience, grasshopper.
You’re not listening!
You’re so busy trying to do or say the right thing that you’re not paying attention to what she’s saying and doing. She’s giving you all the ammo you need. Learn to hear what she’s saying, not just in her words, but also with her body language, and listen to her subtext. Upwards of 80% of all human interaction is physical. She’s always telling you how she feels. Study her language and you’ll know. There is tons of dating/relationship content devoted to this. Learn from it.
Listening is UBER important, especially on dates! Something you should always do on a date is take some time to just sit and listen. Notice how I did NOT say sit and talk, chit chat, or converse. LISTEN. Women are different. So much is expressed when they speak; they emote, plan, figure, project, solve, and convince themselves of immense amounts of data concerning you at this very moment. Your talking only gets in the way. The more you say, the more she’s going to have to object to. Oh, you don’t like cats? Oh, you’re allergic to shellfish? Oh, you drive an unmarked white van with blacked out windows?!
Solution: When in doubt, shut the hell up! Ask her questions without yes or no answers. Let her expound on her feelings, memories, and desires. PAY ATTENTION and ask follow-up questions that will allow her more expansion. This will relax her. After all, she’s just opened up to you, she must like you! So enjoy listening to her, and let her find you intriguing by not letting your own mouth get in the way.
All of the teachings that you’ve ingested and regurgitated have brought you to a certain point. Consider it a plateau, a stepping stone to the next. You have acquired much knowledge and with much knowledge comes much responsibility. In this case, I say that responsibility is to yourself; to realize you’re only human, and you must forgive yourself for that fact! The more you learn, the more you see how much more you have to learn. You must be patient. Get back out on the court and take some more practice shots. Swing that bat a few more times. Realize that you won’t sink the shot or hit a home run every time. But if you keep at it, you’ll succeed more and more.
And when your epiphany comes (and I guarantee that, as long as you don’t give up, it will surely come to you), you’ll welcome it as an old friend you knew would show up sooner or later. Then you’ll smile, make your move, get shot down, and smile even wider. Because you know that not everyone wants what you’re selling, but there are so many that not only want it, but need it. And as you walk on, and they undoubtedly glance at your well-sculpted ass, you can say silently to the winds, NEXT!