Is Your Mind Your Worst Enemy?

Neil StraussNeil, The Game13 Comments

As I’m sure many of you know already, you can be your own worst enemy when meeting women.

You know that little voice inside your head that always says “Don’t!”

It speaks when you’re about to approach a woman for the first time and it says “Don’t go talk to her, she won’t respond.” It speaks when you meet a group of women and says “Don’t keep talking to
them. They don’t like you. They don’t want you to stay.” It speaks when you have a woman alone after a first date and says “Don’t try to kiss her, she’s not attracted to you.”

This “DON’T VOICE” is the sum of your insecurities crying out from a dark place of fear buried deep in your mind.


Women feel comfortable with men who are confident and humorous. Women feel comfortable with men who start a conversation that is fun and exciting. Women feel comfortable with men who really try to understand and get to know them better. Women feel comfortable with men who know when it’s the right moment to kiss.

But your “DON’T VOICE” lies to you and tells you the opposite. It makes you unattractive. If you could shut that voice off and always just go for it you would improve your skills with women. You’d be like that one guy you know who always gets the girl.

The one who women describe as “There’s just something about him.” But it’s not that easy, is it? That little voice is hard to stop. It was created from lifelong conditioning. It started with your parents. Then throughout your life people told you, “Be careful. Don’t take risks. Play it safe.” And now you’ve heard it so many times that this negative voice is a part of you. Any man who ever tries to approach a woman knows this voice well.

We call it Social Anxiety or Approach Anxiety.

We’ve made it our mission to QUIET that little voice in our heads; to push past the anxiety and the uncertainty of approaching and attracting women. Stick around and we will take you DEEP into your own mind and teach you how to eradicate your fear of starting a conversation, your fear of socializing, your fear of making a move, and your fear of asking for her number. We’re going to discuss what exactly that little voice is in our minds and… …how to BEAT it once and for all.

To be continued…

Today’s post comes courtesy of Evolve and Sneak, two of our expert coaches at Stylelife. If you want more sage advice, visit Stylelife at any time. Enjoy… 

13 Comments on “Is Your Mind Your Worst Enemy?”

  1. I had that voice last night walking into the salsa club alone needless to say I said fuck it can’t keep doing what i’ve been doing I learned two things maybe it would of been a good place for a date 2 there where only 2 couples in the class so I was the odd man out, the other was I saw a ok looking guy with a 8 I’d rate her and it made me think yes there is light at the end of the tunnel, I was wondering if I could game her but I bounced out.

  2. I have exttreme social anxiety that has developed in the Last couple years. Not even just with women, But with people in general. I get a sense of shyness and uncertainty while trying to hold any sort basic communication. I am not sute where and when it developed, but now that I am single I have the worse time ever of approaching and holding on to any sort of talking. Is there any books or advice that you would recommend to mend this problem of mine.

    1. I would definitely check out the challenges at the beginning of the Rules of the Game. I think that could really help you turn things around 🙂

  3. i do’nt know how to start a conversation, and when i find a way i don’t know how to keep their attention, any suggestion???
    how to pass then from an interested situation to a phisycal contact??

  4. thank u i just have had the most amazing night out in a long while and it is just because of you. you have given me so much to know and work with thanks 🙂 just read your book, and i loved it .


  5. What’s with always posting a quarter of a whole article? This didn’t even get off the starting block before saying “to be continued”.

  6. Perspective from a woman here, because its women who most often find themselves on the receiving end of a boundary violation.

    It’s a very specific kind of insecurity that fuels the Don’t Voice. Insecurity about boundaries.

    Because what good is conquering your approach anxiety if you still end up stepping on boundaries? Only when you succeed at both, when you can approach without violating boundaries, do you stand a chance of being attractive. Otherwise, all your outgoingness may matter for nothing, because you’re being a creeper.

    But here is my problem with boundaries: everything I read about them seems to reinforce the Don’t Voice. There is such a theme of “one and done”– you come off as creepy once, and you’re forever cooked with that person. Is that not what “move on” means? “Move on” is something you see all the time in any discussion of boundaries.

    But what I’ve found must frustrating about boundaries in that I feel they put me in a position that’s dependent on others’ approval. I know intellectually this is not true, but emotionally I can’t trust in any behavior of mine being attractive, unless I see other people saying yes to me as a result of it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a positive behavior like smiling or conversing– if others don’t want it, it becomes negative. It doesn’t matter anymore what I feel about my self, my needs or my values… if the boundary keeps them out, they’re worthless in any sense that matters.

    Basically, in order to be boundary-safe, it seems your default mode should be NOT to be look for love, or think you’re going to be attractive to anyone but yourself. Curb your expectations. This is where I really HATE all those studies saying humans are social creatures and we’re healthier when we’re in relationships and blah blah blah, because it makes us have all these expectations for our lives and our support systems. Because you can’t have a relationship– ANY relationship– without being said yes to. And you never have control over whether someone says yes to you.

    I don’t think most people realize how many ducks have to be in a row for relationships to he successful. Because “we’re social creatures”, we think it should happen easily and magically. When really, if we’re going to fully implement a consent and boundaries model, we’re going to have to accept that a lot fewer relationships are going to happen. That our default mode is, in fact, “alone” unless someone else makes the free choice to let us into their boundaries.

    Which means we have to stop shit like measuring our social skills based on others saying yes to us. Because it doesn’t matter if we have all the personal skill in the world, if someone else’s boundary stops that skill from reaching the outcome it was intended to reach.

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